Title says it all, I just can't find a reason to keep going for myself. The only reasons I haven't found a way out of living is because:
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I haven't found a method with a good success rate that would be painless, not messy, and if I messed up wouldn't leave me with a lifelong condition.
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The fact that it would cause a massive amount of pain and grief for family and friends, and probably push my mother and my uncle over the edge for them to do something similar.
That's it. I should be greatful and happy, I've come a very long way from some serious shite situations including being massively in debt, so broke I was eating sleep, a shouting match filled childhood looking after my mum, a hellish work environment that drove me to my last attempt, and being bullied and isolated at school so much that if I wasn't in a country with strict gun laws I would have actioned a plan that made the Columbine teens look like amateurs.
But no, I genuinely can't find a reason as to live for myself. It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people. Everything I see in the world seems to just be descending into more and more conflict, the summers keep getting hotter, and despite there being solutions available they're not being implemented fast enough because a handful of rich pricks aren't happy the number in their portfolio.
There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living so instead of just getting the death over with I feel pressured by society to accept the longer drawn out version because apparently no sane person would voluntarily wish to cease to exist if there's nothing medically or situationally wrong with them.
The SSRIs are helping with keeping the mood on an even keel but these thoughts still persist. They have done since I was young. And thanks to society frowning upon suicide nobody will offer me a quick and painless death.
I have struggled with suicidal ideation all my life. I think there are three things keeping me acting on it.
One is empathy. I once felt that I should avoid killing myself to avoid upsetting the people who love me. It has since become clear that they did not actually love me. However, I still do not want to leave a body for someone to discover. It's not fair to them.
The second is waste. I am a human being with some amount of agency. What can I do with that? Less than I want, but more than nothing. If I can help anyone with what remains of my life, I want to try. I suppose this is also empathetic.
Third... I'm just too scared. Even if it was as simple as pushing a button, I would still have to push it. I don't want to experience dying, even if I don't want to be alive. I feel like a coward hiding in the cracks between life and death, too afraid to face either head on.
For what it's worth, I think things are worse than most people realize. I think your reaction to our oppressive society is very natural. Cries for help are often ignored, silenced, or punished. Everything is a scam, no one is free. I think humans need to work together instead of competing, but the rich use their vast resources to keep us down and divided.
I struggle with alcohol dependency. I am seeking help from a local community health center. My previous therapist was not a good fit, so I'll try a different one in a week. I don't have much hope, but it seems worth a try. I would love to see things get better. I just can't see how. But I don't know the future. I could make the choice to end my life, but there is no opting back in. So for now, at least in my case, things are not bad enough to exit, I expect to stick around at least another year. I'm sorry if this doesn't help. I don't know what to do besides sharing my own experiences.