Title says it all, I just can't find a reason to keep going for myself. The only reasons I haven't found a way out of living is because:
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I haven't found a method with a good success rate that would be painless, not messy, and if I messed up wouldn't leave me with a lifelong condition.
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The fact that it would cause a massive amount of pain and grief for family and friends, and probably push my mother and my uncle over the edge for them to do something similar.
That's it. I should be greatful and happy, I've come a very long way from some serious shite situations including being massively in debt, so broke I was eating sleep, a shouting match filled childhood looking after my mum, a hellish work environment that drove me to my last attempt, and being bullied and isolated at school so much that if I wasn't in a country with strict gun laws I would have actioned a plan that made the Columbine teens look like amateurs.
But no, I genuinely can't find a reason as to live for myself. It fucking annoys me that I'm having to stay alive out of guilt for other people. Everything I see in the world seems to just be descending into more and more conflict, the summers keep getting hotter, and despite there being solutions available they're not being implemented fast enough because a handful of rich pricks aren't happy the number in their portfolio.
There's nothing I find externally that fuels me with a passion for living so instead of just getting the death over with I feel pressured by society to accept the longer drawn out version because apparently no sane person would voluntarily wish to cease to exist if there's nothing medically or situationally wrong with them.
The SSRIs are helping with keeping the mood on an even keel but these thoughts still persist. They have done since I was young. And thanks to society frowning upon suicide nobody will offer me a quick and painless death.
This is a very difficult conversation to have with an imperfect and impersonal platform like Lemmy, because helping you find something so personal requires a lot of back and forth.
Is it that you no longer wish to be alive or that you feel your available options aren't enough? In a perfect world where you were able to go anywhere, do anything, and/or be anyone is there something you would do rather than ending things?
This is going to sound dopey as hell, but it's true and it helps. Our brains work by creating unique pathways for thoughts and activities. The more frequent a thought or activity the stronger the link becomes and the more automatic it becomes as well. If your thoughts are frequently dark it becomes difficult to think in other ways. It's difficult at first, but if you acknowledge the good things in your life more often you can create new pathways in your brain that will weaken the darker side.
Taking a few minutes each day to acknowledge and sit with the good things, even if they're small, will over time make your lived experience a little easier to cope.