Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Took me decades to find a therapist that actually was what I needed. She is also neurodivergent, so that made a big difference. Problem is that most doctors and therapists who have a good grasp of autism, ADHD, etc., tend to only work with kids since it still is hard to convince a lot of providers that they don't go away after childhood, we just get better at masking and the other disorders that develop from constant masking end up masking the root cause. I didn't even discover I was AuDHD until my 30s and that was only because a psychiatrist I was going to for panic attacks was also ADHD and recognized it. And it took another decade after that to find the right therapist that understood that giving tedious "homework" was just making things more difficult, that I'm already past my limits so saying to try pushing past them is stupid AF, that I don't react to pain (physical or emotional) like a normal person not because it's not affecting me, but because I'm just unable to not mask it from decades of being called lazy or wimpy for expressing it, and all the other things that people who don't understand these disabilities tend to say.
Anyway, don't give up. Try to find friend groups of other neurodivergent people who will let you be yourself. Try to find Autism specialists who will see people of your age group and not just children (assuming you aren't). Basically, do everything possible to avoid any neurotypical people who are not willing to accommodate your needs. It's a disability not because there's something wrong with us exactly, but because the majority refuse to accommodate our needs, just like cities that refuse to install sidewalk ramps are not accommodating people with mobility issues to participate in society.
Just my 2 cents of course and it's not perfect and not easy to do, especially if you don't live in a city, but it has improved my life significantly to do those things.
Wow that sounds very similar to my experience. Diagnosed with ADHD and Autism at 30, and therapy was basically useless because I would forget or stress myself out by forcing myself to do activities based on CBT.
Every time I'm in distress or physically painful, I wouldn't even grunt. I just become calm and less talkative, maybe even stop talking. It's just become a fully unconscious suppression for me.
Finding somebody that can help is tough though. There are some directories with autistic practitioners. But most of them are in the center of the city. Which is 60 minutes with the metro. (I get so tired from the ride that anything after that point just doesn't get processed anymore)
Same with the autistic communities, most are in the center. And I generally don't use common social media, so I wouldn't know about anything nearby.
Did you find any specific form of therapy helpful for you?
I'm not sure what type of therapy it is considered, but mostly it's just very flexible and more about coaxing me to talk about things and then feeding me information about what I'm experiencing. Rarely does she give me advice on how to handle things unless I ask so that I can do my own analysis since that works better than unsolicited advice usually. Plus never "here, read this article/book/essay" which might have useful info but only after having to fight the ADHD and limited language processing capacity in order to get to the one or two sentences I need. Instead, she gives the info I need by asking if I understand a concept or two and skipping non-novel information if I do, and then just helping to fill in the gaps of my knowledge.
The other piece is encouragement. She truly makes me know she understands how much effort I've put into getting as far as I have and she outwardly shows real excitement when I overcome something.
Basically, she arms me with knowledge, listens to specific concerns, and gives a ton of encouragement rather than "making me work for it". It may seem cute, overly familiar, or childish to a more stuffy, professional, and maybe wouldn't work as well with some more macho men or others who might consider it deprecating and not react as well to that kind of thing as women like me do. But it sure as heck helps me. I've spent my whole life being told my struggles were trivial and I was just lazy, so it being recognized and congratulated and armed with the knowledge to keep on fighting as well as recognition that it is a battle is awesome.