Hi
I'm struggling for years already, being unable to hold a job or function in daily life without job.
It seems like I'm constantly in shutdown, and I can't even communicate my stress and desperation to a therapist because when I'm stressed, I stop expressing anything.
I also seem to forget anything that's even slightly emotionally charged. So even when I can express my emotion, 10 minutes after that conversation I have no clue anymore what I talked about.
Underlying all this seems to be some kind of fear of feeling my emotions. Anytime I feel something, I quickly notice that the feeling/thoughts disappear and I just feel numb and a headache or stomachache.
Even when I'm by myself, I can't seem to express any feelings, as If i'm trying to hide for myself.
And it seems like nobody knows how to deal with this. I've been to a few therapists and it all ends up the same. At the beginning i'm hopeful, but then after a few sessions I realise i'm getting more and more into a shutdown and express myself less and less until I eventually stop going.
Just searching for therapy seems pointless, because I don't have money left and nobody seems to understand my difficulties.
Sounds like the therapists are following their ideas of what you need rather than understanding what you really need.
You might be able to help them with that by showing them this post. If you've told them this and they still didn't get it, I'm sorry about that. That's their failing, not your flaw.
I'd suggest a somatic therapist, or maybe a good gestalt therapist.
Working with body and sensation, without reference to emotional experiences, can give you what you need to regulate your nervous system which sounds like it's stuck in alarm mode.
I train therapists in this approach so feel free to DM me if you want to!
They actually recommended me to try some sort of body-focused therapy, like Somatic experiencing or sensorimotor therapy. But I have not tried it yet.
I think partially because it's difficult to find somebody nearby. I live pretty far from the city centre. But partially also because I'm afraid it will help, if that makes sense.
I mean that because I'm afraid of feeling my own emotions, I also subconciously tend to avoid doing things that trigger them. I avoid moving, I avoid exercise, I avoid talking to my therapist about things that trigger emotions (and they seem to prefer avoiding triggering me? I actually never showed any emotion to any of my therapists), and I avoid trying body-based therapy.
It actually took me 3 years after deciding I need to go to a psychologist, to actually daring to send the email and make the appointment.
It makes it quite difficult to actually make the steps towards allowing emotions to be there. But it seems like doing regular breathing meditation is giving me some buffer to work with.