this post was submitted on 07 Jul 2026
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Comradeship // Freechat
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I know what your feeling. I know what it's like to know that the negative self talk you give to yourself is idealist and undialectical, only for that recognition to become more ammunition for the voice.
I fear that some of the advice given by comrades here, for as good as it is, will be twisted by that voice and empower it even more. "Defeatism and nihilism are reactionary notions that the ruling class uses to paralyze you and prevent you from resisting" becomes "I'm an ontologically evil defeatist nihilist reactionary and should just kill myself so I don't drag down the movement". You may read the comrades' advice, realize that they are emphatically telling you there is nothing inherently wrong with you and that their coarseness is to get through to you, and turn that into even more ammunition against yourself for why you're a bad communist and should end it all.
Recognizing that this way of thinking is ingrained in us from a young age to demobilize us is an important step. There are feds in our brains -- ones who can even hijack your sense of self -- and they are trying to kill us. One of the luxuries we first worlders get is the latest and greatest tricknology to use for our own personal MK Ultras.
I don't know what comes after the recognition step. I haven't gone past that myself. Joining an org and seeking community are of course important, but how to take those steps when even the mildest attempts send me onto the brink of a mental breakdown? I don't know.
What I do know is that I'm in this with you. Please don't kill yourself. I need you. We need you.