Autism

Two related things: people commenting on my tone of voice, and people assuming my emotions (usually because of my tone of voice.)

I've got a lot of trauma related to my tone. I've been punished so many times for it without having any clue what people were talking about, and now whenever someone brings up that word, all the deep-seated pain immediately rises to the surface. The only way I've found to get by is to heavily mask - if I'm clearly cheery, nobody can accuse me of having the wrong tone or attitude. Problem is, masking takes effort. When my energy is low, I can't self-monitor the way I'd like to, and people start to think I'm upset because my tone reverts to the way I naturally talk. I'll be happy, just a bit stressed or tired, and people will start saying shit like, "Calm down," or "Do you need a break? You're upset, go take a break."

Then when that happens, it's like my battery goes from 20% to zero. It's so hard to self-advocate when others think they know what you're feeling better than you do. When you can't control your vocal tone, people will assume any response is proof that you were upset in the first place (instead of a sign that their assumptions just sapped the last bit of energy out of you.) It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, upsetting me when I wasn't upset before, even if I was feeling great beforehand.

I wish neurotypical people could understand that not everyone expresses their emotions through tone, that sometimes it's a matter of energy being diverted from masking and into more crucial, pertinent tasks. Honestly, I wish I didn't have to mask at all, but I know that if I didn't I'd get a lot more comments and assumptions thrown at me. In the end, letting the mask slip results in punishment. Talking the way I naturally talk is punishment-worthy. That's a lesson that keeps getting reinforced every time I dare not put effort into masking and tone-modulation first and foremost.