I tried asking my therapist about this but I don't think they understood me very well, or I just didn't explain it well. I wanted to ask if anyone here experiences a similar thing and maybe has a definition or term for it.
I feel like, from the outside, people are generally a more homogenous mixture of things. I.e, they have thoughts, opinions, actions that aren't independent of the rest of themselves but are more the "average" of their personality. They might feel conflicted about things, but that's more when they have two or more paths that diverge from their "average."
But for me I feel like my thoughts are more like oil and water. They don't really mix.
For instance, I can be really materialist [as in, Bourgeois materialism] sometimes. Like I fantasize about having things and being free and being a libertine.
Conversely I simultaneously fantasize about being a monk/nun/hermit, who's existence is devoted to teaching people and having very little possessions.
Sometimes I love having money. I sometimes I go on impulsive spending sprees. Other times I hate having money and feeling like I have wealth, and want to donate a lot (unfortunately I can't do that with my current lack of funds)
Or simultaneously lll have a very big and very small ego. Like having both a superiority complex and imposter syndrome at the same time. One minute I can be complimenting myself on my work and imagining how important I can be. Other times I'll wish I was never born and think I'm less than useless.
It's not that I don't see these thoughts as obviously contradictory, because obviously they are. It's like I'm constantly being pulled in two different directions. Like I have one personality that's high ego, highly libertine and hyper independent who doesn't want anyone, while at the same time I have another who has less than zero self esteem, wants to be a spartan or a monk or a nun, and is insanely fearful of doing anything without an authority figure's approval. It's not DID because i don't disassociate and I don't think they're literally two seperate people, but I feel like this isn't how thoughts are supposed to work...
Seems normal to me, I personally relate to most of this although there was no time where I wished I was never born and I never thought I was useless. Everyone is useful and should be born except fascists. Humans are contractionary creatures. It is good on you for being so introspective.