this post was submitted on 09 Mar 2026
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Anyone notice how all (well intentioned) advice for autistic people is just "mask harder"? (lemmy.ca)
submitted 1 day ago by sveltecider@lemmy.ca to c/autism@lemmy.world
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What the title says. Well intentioned, often other "neurodivergent" people look at your life, your autism, and say: "you should mask harder."

For example, I accidentally said something that offended a friend. Won't go into detail, but it was me unintentionally coming off as arrogant, not something bad like a slur or hate speech.

I asked for advice (elsewhere) and the advice was universally, "you see, NT avoid this topic at all costs. Going forwards, know it is best to avoid this topic."

But isn't this just saying "mask harder and be more palatable for everyone else"?

Every piece of "autism advice" I see even in "neurodivergent friendly" communities is basically "how to be less autistic."

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[–] Ohmmy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

Rules are easy for my autistic self, it's when the rules are pointless, never explained, and enforced purely on vibe. For instance, as a rule you should always rinse and brush away as much of the gunk on dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. This isn't hard to understand or follow for me, it makes perfect sense. Now if the rule is to "read the room" ok, cool that's not specific, it has no clear goal, it's entirely vague. But it's also against reading the room to ask about reading the room and when asked NT people can't generally explain the structure to the rule.

[–] CandleTiger@programming.dev 4 points 5 hours ago (1 children)

“Read the room” is not a rule. “Read the room” is a skill of knowing how the people in the room are feeling.

The rule that skill serves is, “don’t say things that people in the room can’t handle hearing right now”

Obvious example: avoid chattering happily about your recent raise in front of people who are miserable they just got laid off.

Usually, people dismissively saying “read the room” mean, “I know that you are capable of feeling and understanding other people’s emotions, would you please fucking pay attention to that skill right now?” (This is plenty common even for not-autistic people) But of course for autistic people that assumption is just incorrect. People saying that to autistic people need to read the room.

[–] Ohmmy@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 5 hours ago

I'm sorry but I completely disagree, read the room is entirely a rule. If you think social expectations are merely skills and not rules then idk where to really take this because society, socializing, it's all rules of which skill can allow you to bend and sometimes break. For instance it's against the rules to be happy at a funeral, even if you're happy but if you're socially skilled you can manage it. Or how it's against the rules to answer honestly if asked how you are doing. For me, small talk is excruciating, I hate doing it but I can't tell people I don't care to do it or just stop because it's against the unspoken rules.

I think you're getting stuck on people saying "read the room" not all the unspoken rules that ND people have to navigate simply because not doing it is rude. If I get asked "how are you" and I reply "I don't know why I'm alive anymore" I am considered an asshole not the person asking questions they don't want answers to. I have to follow the unspoken rules that they don't really give a fuck about me, they don't care how I'm doing, and that I need to lie even if I'm uncomfortable with it because they forced me to.