this post was submitted on 08 Mar 2026
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This makes me think of a conversation between my wife and daughter a while back.
Daughter is angry with her BF and frustrated that he seems oblivious to that
Wife: "Oh honey, no. It doesn't work like that. If I'm mad at your dad for something I just have to tell him. If he asks if I'm OK and I say, 'I'm fine', he takes that at face value. He's very literal."
Daughter: "Ugh. Doesn't that frustrate you?"
Wife: "It was weird at first but once you get used to it it's actually really nice. You just have to learn to talk to him."
Me: "Wait, I did something right?"
Wife: "You do lots of things right babe."
Yeah, I think she likes me.
Mmmm, can't be so sure. Better play it safe and look for more signs
I think a lot of people need to learn to communicate more explicitly. There's also the ask culture vs guess culture dynamic, though I think it can extend past culture and some people lean one way or the other. There's also the idea that guess culture is feminine coded in America and ask culture is masculine coded.
To a guess culture, outright stating your desires is imposing. You hint and if they're willing to give it they offer. Furthermore saying no to a direct request is also seen as rude. In general directness is bad, preemptive offering is proper (and obviously they have to reject for fear of imposing), and hinting is acceptable. Think stereotypes of English culture. It's a stupid social dance that I instinctively fall into. To an ask culture all that's stupid, there's nothing wrong with asking for something and it's not problem to say no. It's direct and blunt. Think stereotypes of American culture.
It's generally quite good to be able to navigate and accommodate both, but as a guesser, asking is better as a default, especially in relationships. It's awkward and difficult to learn, but it takes all the guesswork and ambiguity out.
Yeah communication is key. Even if you are too literal at least you are clear and not obscuring your thoughts.