me_irl

That's me - I've been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder because of situations described above.

I try to be invisible whenever possible. I try to not stand in the way in the subway even if there is enough space to go around. I always try to stand close to a wall - if I cannot see part of a room i get anxious. The worst experience is being in a mess hall or large waiting room, because in addition to the above my brain cannot filter the noise of so many people to find out if there are threatening voices somewhere in the mix.

That also means that I cannot keep social contacts alive. If you call or message me, my brain fears that i did something wrong and i cannot answer. I also can not reach out, because I feel that i will trigger someone to be angry at me. Even if I am simply talking with someone, i suspect that i am a burden in some way, because "just keeping up the conversation" is what i would do to prevent repercussions.

People, don't shout at your kids - verbal aggression is aggression too.

I've been in therapy for a substantial part of my life and at least my autoaggressive behavior has been reduced (not stopped, but it's a lot better than before), but my therapist has told me that i have to dampen my expectations - i will live my life with this until the day i die, i can only learn to compensate after living through this shit.