Hello,
I'm posting this to see if anyone has any advice as to what I might be able to do in order to improve communication/relations between my family members.
My sister and mother are currently in tension, where both will confide in me their feelings about the other but I'm not sure how I can try to help without betraying trust in one or the other.
No one in my family is good at communicating, unless it's judgement, criticism, or sarcasm. I know that's not all there is because they will say nice things behind everyone's back but never to their face.
My sister is a fairly recently new homeowner and about to have her first child (my mother's first grandchild). She feels disappointment that my mother never congratulated her on her success and achievement in purchasing a home.
My mother is excited to be a grandmother and wants to help my sister with her child, but is of the generation where physical possessions and items outweigh anything else so constantly buys things for the baby which my sister does not appreciate having to store in a box for two years before the baby can actual use the things. She also wants to be a good mother to my sister but everything she does is tailored towards physical things and items which my sister is fairly minimalist. My mother also gathers resentment towards my sister for never showing any appreciation for the things she tries to give her, as well as feeling like she can never do anything right.
My sister gathers a bit of resentment whenever my mother gifts her things, and has said as much on multiple occasions which hurts my mother's feelings as she is just trying to help in her own way. She is also not exactly the nicest person towards my mother, criticizing quite a lot (like house decor, etc) which makes my mom feel even more like she can't do anything right.
This all spills over onto my dad who doesn't care for how my sister makes my mother feel but I also understand how my mother makes my sister feel and why she responds the way she does sometimes.
So now I'm kind of stuck in the middle of things where everyone tells me how they feel about the other person, and I'm not sure how to help improve things without making someone feel hurt or betrayed.
I try and encourage one to say nice things to the other but then they respond with something along the lines of "well they never say nice things to me".
Any one have any similar situations or advice?
From what you’ve written, it seems like you’re the only one who wants to do anything to make this work. That…doesn’t work. They have to want to have a better relationship with each other, but it seems like they’re satisfied with just using you as the emotional dumping ground.
I’d suggest they first decide whether they want to be better or not, and if they do, they should work with a professional therapist — someone they pay to help them be better, instead of making all their problems your problem. You should probably be involved there, too, so they can learn to stop doing that.