Autism

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had mixed feelings about positive acknowledgement, specifically praise and encouragement. Occasionally I enjoyed it, but most times, I could not stand it.

For example, when I was in kindergarten, I would refuse to eat my lunch or engage in any activities because I worried that people would draw attention to me. It wasn’t until my mom came to school with me that I actually did some stuff. However, I also struggles with separation anxiety and would often melt down when my mom left. My original teacher was also very aggressive with us and would often shame us out loud or punish us unnecessarily (my mom had me transfer classes after witnessing her grab one of my classmates by the neck). After that I transferred schools, but was still uncertain about positive feedback.

I am usually a quiet student, and whenever I spoke, people would react, mostly with, “Oh my God, she spoke!” That only made me more nervous to speak. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I really began to speak up.

This semester in college, however, I have been hit and miss with praise. I had one professor who really wanted me to talk more, but oftentimes never gave me the recognition I wanted because she was so focused on the more “advanced students.” This sounds odd knowing how I dislike positive feedback, but I actually wish she gave me more.

My other professor, however, was wonderful. She gave clear expectations and even graded us for our level of engagement. She also, was very direct in her feedback. For example, I gave a presentation in her class, and was super confident going into it (for whatever reason, I love presentations just so I can practice my eye contact with the audience, I find it so satisfying lol). This was the first presentation I gave without being nervous about being timed or having everyone paying attention to me. I spoke clearly and gave great eye contact. My classmates even smiled and seemed interested in what I was saying, which was really nice. We were graded 20 points per section of the presentation based on our topic, notes, delivery, etc. The grading rubric went like this:

20 points - Outstanding 18 points - Excellent 16 points - Good 14 points - Average 12 points - Fair 10 points - Poor

I received mostly average, but under delivery I received an excellent score, along with a comment that said, “Good work with your vocal variety and eye contact!” I seem to do better with written positive feedback rather than face to face.

In athletics, however, I really have a hard time. My XC coach is mostly a jerk to me, but when he gives positive feedback, he is really different about it. Sometimes he’ll shout excitedly about your race, or give you a big hug and quietly talk about how well you did (he did this to one of my teammates after she had a good race, and then looked at me and walked away. My parents suggest I get a pr just to satisfy him, but right now I just want to go at my own speed. After all, I’m not super crazy about praise (as a kid, I literally did poorly on tests because my teachers would get crazy excited whenever one of us did well).

Is anybody else like this? I love positive feedback but sometimes it can be so triggering.