Autism

100%. Even as a kid, I understood that some people were more "in charge" than others. I just thought it was bullshit.

I remember the moment that solidified it all for me. I was in fifth grade (about 10-11 years old) and very unpopular. There was one kid in my class that was similarly unpopular. For some reason or another, I insulted the other kid, and remember the other kids liking me more for a little while.

Buuuut it was quickly undone later that same day when he insulted me back, and all the more popular kids rallied with him against me. It was really that shallow? Yeah, just putting other kids down is all it takes.

I felt awful for having said what I said. I felt uneasy and further disgusted at how others reacted. I thought, "So to make friends, I'd have to continuously bully someone else?" Nah, fam, that's not my energy. I'd rather be alone than win the affection of people who'd celebrate that.

So I accepted my social status and fell further into untreated childhood depression. Yay.