Comradeship // Freechat

My therapy appointment isn't for another little while so I just wanna get this out now, and plus asking will be nice.

But anyway...this is a really hard thing to describe. It's not like autistic masking, I don't feel like I'm faking social interaction or anything like that.

It's also not a depersonalization issue, because, for the most part, I feel connected to my body...I think. Maybe...

But it's more like I have different personalities and demeanors that, at the time, feel real. So like when I'm out or at Uni I'm just a normal person who's boring and wears polo's and dress pants every day. Quiet and just trying to get through the day.

But then other times I feel like this little boy who just wants to share all of his interests and have all these cool gadgets and make his own little library and likes games and literature and is really blushy and shy whenever the concept of sex comes up and just always wants to see the best in people.

But then sometimes I feel like a jaded woman who wants everyone to go away, and who needs nothing except the clothes on her back, and thinks everyone is repulsive and going to hurt her.

And before anyone says anything, I'm not trying to say I have DID. I don't disassociate, I don't have the amnesia associated with it, and I don't say I'm not any of those at any one time.

But it's like, I feel like certain behaviors are associated with those "characters." Like I said, I feel like my standoffishness and anger is associated with the "woman" part of me, while the "boy" aspect of me actively hates that part and really likes people and wants to share things with them. And my "professional" aspect is sitting there trying to keep them from fighting each other so I can be normal.

I don't think any part of these is the "real" me really. Theres not anything here where I say "that's not me." But they're all "distinct." So while other people might say "oh, I like sharing things with people." Or "I don't like people," that is generally just one trait associated with themselves. Of course they can change or have conflicting feelings about things, but I feel like...idk, it feels like there are multiple people within me sometimes.

For instance, I was thinking of getting a statistics minor. And I think they were all in agreement about that. My professional self likes adding things to their resume, my boyish self likes learning, and my womanly self...honestly I don't know. She's not objecting at least.

Conversely, I finally shaved my body hair recently. At first everyone was in agreement for the most part. But then a family member laughed about it [not...at me...kinda. its complicated] and kinda just treated me like I was stupid or absurd, so now I feel like my "boyish" personality and my "womanly" personality are fighting about it. My "womanly" side says it's fine and I made the right decision. But my "boyish" side feels like we did make a mistake now, and is anxious over whether I look stupid or whether we should've kept it because even though I didn't want it, other people seemed to like it.

But also I'm not a psychologist so i have no clue if this is a normal thing to feel or not :p, and sorry for so much detail. I'll talk about it to a therapist, I just didn't want to be misunderstood because I know what it sounds like.