The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Do you worry that you spend too much time on the computer? Don’t! In all likelihood, you’re not spending anywhere near enough time online. Here are five reasons you should triple down on your daily screen time!

1. You could get a new email at any moment

Email happens all the time, whether you’re ready for it or not. The last place you want to be when you receive a new email is offline, letting that unread message collect dust in your inbox. Off-computer activities, like hiking, surfing, performing surgery, etc., may be fun and all…but that’s time you could be spending reading, forwarding, and replying to personal or work-related emails in a prompt manner instead. Want to regret missing out on crucial, human email experiences on your deathbed? We didn’t think so. Get back on the computer, and stat!

2. Using the computer poses virtually zero risk of tearing your ACL [...]