hololive

She left a post about this on YouTube:

HELLO MY GREMLINGS!!!
I’ve spent a lot of time reading through your kind messages and heartfelt letters on both YouTube and Twitter and it’s been very healing!!

Since its realllyyy present on my mind right now and we’re about to have a hard reset with some streams in between, I just wanted to get some words out while it was still fresh 🙂‍↕️ [MHL: I assume this is actually the nodding emoji and my system just doesn't support it]

While I intend to talk more about the creative processes that went into the making and conception of the song on stream, I’m not really good at talking about emotions and feelings… So I don’t know how much of that I’ll cover 🥸

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, basically since debut, that I wanted to put something out that means a lot to me.

Something that’s intrinsically a part of me, has shaped me, and at its core, is a part of who I am.

I think I wouldn’t be here today if not for gigipapa. He was my biggest supporter of all time!! He indulged in my love for anime, brought me and my friends to anime conventions, bought me strange wigs just because I wanted them, taught me about art, music, old television shows, the stars, and he never once questioned or belittled anything I wanted to do or any of the dreams that I had (even tho I was a rly cringe kid…. But u know.. I was a kid)

I don’t talk about gigipapa on stream not for any strong reason, but mostly because I know it turns into a heavy topic and I typically don’t have the mental capacity to deal with that sort of conversation. It’s become a defense mechanism of sorts, you avoid talking about something long enough, you don’t have to deal with the awkwardness of having to have that conversation with someone on the street that you hardly know. It just gets easier to avoid it than it is to confront it.

So I hope you understand if I’m reticent to share or talk about these feelings as a part of my boundaries! That’s not to say I think you shouldn’t talk about it at ALL, but have some kindness if I noticeably avoid a question or a message just because I’m not in the headspace to do so.

But I think art is beautiful!! Art resonates with people in so many ways and affects them differently and speaks to them at different points in life. Art gives you a way to express yourself, all those feelings inside of you, concentrated and formed like a little ball into one thing. And once it’s done you can just shoot it out into the universe and close your eyes and pretend you didn’t do that!!

And I’ve always wanted to create something, a celebration of life, something that just screams “I’ll keep going!!!!!”

I don’t think loss or grief ever goes away, you carry a part of that with you every day. I once heard it described as, at first, it starts off really big, and it can’t stop bumping into the walls and causing you to get upset. But over time it gets smaller and smaller, and it stops bumping into the walls as much, but every once in a while it’ll hit the wall and remind you it’s there.

Thinking about it in this way had helped me a lot in the beginning, and I do believe that you become stronger. You carry those good times with you and it gives you hope for a better future, sometimes things are bleak and you don’t know if there’s any way of digging yourself out of that hole and you’ve resigned to sitting at the bottom of it. Even though it’s hard, I hope you’re able to find a reason to stand up, and know that I’ll be cheering you on!!!

Thank you for entrusting me with your words and stories, I’m happy you’re all here in the shoebox with me!!