So...idk, i guess I'm in a dilemma right now.
I made a previous post about a year ago I think, talking about how I might have adhd. Nowadays I'm pretty sure about that [I never got diagnosed though, that'll be explained shortly]. Recently I've had a couple stress related issues, including a full on mental breakdown, and decided to look around to see if there was something wrong with me Moreso than just being dysphoric and having adhd.
I think...I think I might have BPD too. I just...on the one hand, I'd like to know if my mood swings, anger issues, fear of abandonment, and identity crisises have an explanation beyond just "I suck and I'm the worst." But at the same time...I don't know if I even should get diagnosed for anything.
If I want to medically transition, bam, mental health disqualification/stonewalling
If I want to immigrate, bam, disqualified
And what does that even mean for me ideologically? Adhd is one thing, but I know how people see people with BPD. And I mean, what if thats why I'm a communist? If I was normal would I be something else?
I hate it. I hate not knowing who I am. I like to think i make decisions logically. But I don't. I'm this fucking bundle of chemicals constantly ready to explode.
And then what about medication? If I do get diagnosed do I want to medicate myself? But that's going to change me. I don't want to be changed by pharmaceuticals. I don't even drink coffee because I don't like things fucking with the chemistry in my head. But it's for the best if I don't end up hurting myself and others, right? But this is me. This is all I've known. I can't conceptualize myself without my hyperactivity, my fear of abandonment, my identity issues. I don't want the bad parts of those, but I also want the good parts. If I get medicated then am I just going to be some guy? A guy who just goes to work, comes home, focuses on stuff and who's brain is quiet? That's a functional human being. Maybe that'd be a better person than what I am. But that's not me. I want to be me...
I'm not qualified to say whether you have BPD or much on what that would mean for you. I would just like to comment on this part:
In my experience, some of the people who are most insistent about being logical have some of the worst reasoning I ever hear. The point being that a lot of people are kind of full of it on the extent of their rationality (I mean among so-called neurotypical people). I don't really have the time right now to get into to the extent that I'd like, but I think there's a lot of confusion over what logical thinking and decision-making even means vs. emotional. Like math proof logic is certainly not what most people are doing most of the time, that's for sure. Some kind of informal reasoning mixed with emotional motives and layered with a system of beliefs is probably closer to what most people are operating on most of the time, no matter how they want to frame it to themselves or others. The reality is more messy than it's sometimes made out to be. People who have "disorders" are delineated by certain kinds of extremes, but that doesn't mean everybody "normal" is on one side of the fence and the people with "disorders" are on the other side. It's more a spectrum thing, as I understand it, and it takes a certain degree of extreme to be diagnosed with a disorder. And then at least in USian ways, to some extent it's simply bureaucracy like: "I will diagnose this person with X disorder because then I can justify to the insurance company treating them for something." That's not to say the person doing the diagnosing is trying to make it up, but they may be trying to justify the need for treatment and disorder designations are a way to justify.
This also isn't to say disorders aren't identifying real clusters of traits and behavior, but that the realities are more complicated than simple poles of have or don't have, and the motives surrounding what qualifies as a disorder are complicated in their own way too. Getting a diagnosis can be more about getting treatment than anything else. To what extent it matters practically speaking, can be more about whether the condition you have is debilitating and whether it is preventing you from making progress toward goals you have (which are presumed by the system to be pro-social ones for them to be valid, or at least what the status quo's idea of pro-social is).