this post was submitted on 06 Oct 2025
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The Onion and other satire w/ layers

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Toronto Police announced a bold new initiative aimed at streamlining emergency response and reducing delays due to 911 hold times. The public is now encouraged to call 911 several days in advance to reserve a police response.

Like many cities, Toronto has been plagued by long 911 hold times that are preventing police from being able to arrive at a crime scene in a timely manner. The ‘Pre-Crime’ notification system will operate similar to Open Table with users able to find an available reservation time provided by location, the number of victims, and include any special requests like bring gauze for stab wounds. Before reporting any crimes, victims will need to create an account and set-up 2-factor and enter in their credit card information as there is a no-show fee of $200 per victim. [...]

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[–] 1984@lemmy.today 5 points 5 months ago

I like how they write "plagued by" as if nothing can be done about it. Its just nature.