this post was submitted on 08 Aug 2025
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Trans Memes
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Im not trans but my sister is and i just dont.understand whats going on in the brain of my dad. When i talk to him he refences my sister by her name but for some reason when he talks about the past before she transitioned he uses her deadname. Like why, how did you get to the conclusion that thats how it works. When im talking about the past im not gonna call you "sperm" or "infant" the same way youre not gonna deadname someone as its a pretty personal insult. Ive told him multiple times but he just doesnt change.
There's been years of memories build up and it's hard to be flexible with those links in the brain. But he should at least put in an effort.
Honest question: Have you had an open conversation with him or did you criticise and put him on the defensive? I hope you can find a habit trigger to flip in him that reframes the memory before voicing it. Like thinking it through with your sister actively in his mind. It's likely a subconscious thing that he needs help with.
Yeah there's absolutely some pathways built there that are difficult to overcome. The one time my mum deadnamed me more recently (I've been out for eight years) was after she was talking about something that happened when I was younger. She got through the memory and it was like 30 seconds later and she said it to me directly when getting my attention. Bless her she clearly had been trying hard not to deadname me during the story, then let her guard slip after finishing and it popped out. She was completely mortified* and apologetic. She's in her sixties as well though, like how can I be mad at her for that?