this post was submitted on 12 May 2025
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Wasn't Shamshi-Adad the first one to claim the title "king of the universe"? ๐คฃ
Assyrian boasting always cracks me up. Sennacherib describes this battle against Babylon:
With the dust of their field covering the heavens, like a wide, mighty storm, they drew up in battle array before me on the bank of the Tigris. They blocked my passage and offered battle. I put on my coat of mail. My helmet, emblem of victory, I placed upon my head. My great battle chariot, which brings low the foe, I hurriedly mounted in the anger of my heart. The mighty bow which Assur had given me, I seized in my hands. The javelin, piercing to the life, I grasped. I stopped their advance, succeeding in surrounding them. I decimated the enemy host with arrow and spear. All of their bodies I bored through. I cut their throats, cut off their precious lives as one cuts a string. Like the many waters of a storm, I made the contents of their gullets and entrails rain down upon the wide earth. My prancing steeds, harnessed for my riding, plunged into the stream of their blood as into a river. The wheels of my war chariot, which brings low the evil and the wicked, were spattered with filth and blood. With the bodies of their warriors, I filled the plain like grass. Their testicles I cut out, and tore out their privates like the seeds of cucumbers of June.
Meanwhile, the Babylonian records say:
The Assyrians lost the battle.
I think it was actually Sargon of Akkad! If you haven't looked into the Akkadian stuff I highly suggest it. It's woefully lacking in detail since it was the 3rd century BCE. A lot of it was written after Sargon passed, but it's all very foundational for the Babylonian and Assyrian stuff that came after.
Case in point, a lot of the bragging and boasting started during the Akkadian dynasty. Sargon jumpstarted it by bragging about how he captured Lugalzagessi and paraded him around the city before taking him to the gate of Enlil in Nippur. One of his sons (Rimush or Manishtusu) or perhaps his grandson, Naram-sin, was the first to try and estimate (and brag about) casualties by his army's hand!
They also bragged a lot about how they put down rebellions....it was a tradition in their line haha ๐
That being said, like their rule, the Assyrians were far more boastful about their straight up brutality. But one thing they had in common that I found interesting and super respectable....they wanted to be remembered more for their creation and restoration than their destruction. Sennacherib and his successors did some really amazing city planning and tried to take care of their people.
I hadn't seen that entire description from Sennacherib before thanks! I will say, he was fucking pissed and it shows!
Sargon was fucking nuts. From son of a gardener to king of the world.
Fun fact: I always thought the Mask of Sargon looks like the Chad guy in soyjack memes
Hahahaha that's hilarious. I'll never unsee it!
Have you been reading books or reading through Wikipedia? The wiki pages are very thorough but I like having an author organize everything for me. I read "Mesopotamia: invention of the city" by Gwendolyn Leick and listened to the majority of the audiobook for "Weavers, Scribes, and Kings." I was looking at a book by Echart Frohm when I started getting enamored with Rome and I kinda got sidetracked haha
I like the details an author can give that the Wikipedia page doesn't have room for. I was just listening to The History of the Ancient World by Susan Wise Bauer which inspired my initial post.
Would you recommend it? What sort of time span and what cultures does it cover?