Hi everyone. I created this community here on Lemmy because I wish to give others what I have never felt: the love and the support of a father.
My father is alive and well, but I've always felt like he was dead. I've never received support, love, or hugs but I instead received disapproval, criticisms, insults and high expectations from him. I remember telling kids in elementary school I had no dad.
I am at an age where this should not affect me. I am an adult with his own life but I am unable to feel indifferent to it. His words (or the lack thereof) still affect me. I want him to be proud of me, at least once in my lifetime, and whenever I try to say something that I think will make him proud, I always leave disappointed telling myself "never try again".
My mother was emotionally unavailable too as she has a schizophrenia diagnosis. I don't know what I am looking for by writing this post, maybe just some nice words.
I still wish to be someone's cherished son. Thank you for reading.
Edit: Thank you to all, really. Your thoughtful comments warm up my heart.
Between mental illness and abuse, I have no relationship with family and many have died young. There are others out there. Not having family is something that I always feel. I don’t think age has anything to do with it. In some ways I am jealous of those who have close bonds with their families, those who check in and take care of each other despite differences because they are family. On the other hand, I have some freedom. I can make my own traditions and enjoy peace during the most frenetic holiday season.