hello Lemmy. a brief About Me as it relates to this post: my mother has been a professional memory care aide for roughly 30-something years and has passed down her knowledge and experience to me. however, i myself trained as a caregiving aide and completed my clinicals and became certified. i never worked in a community because clinics taught me i was too emotional, too caring, too individual-focused (as terrible as that is). i did eventually work in the memory care field as a business office manager for 2.5 years where i was trained further and regularly interacted with seniors on a daily basis, especially those who wandered up by the front and therefore my office.
with that in mind i want to talk about my partner's mother. "Pat" has always been a scatterbrained talker. she is known to hammer in details unnecessarily, ramble about specifics, and describe events at length with boring detail, all while forgetting parts here and there and repeating herself to us later; having to stop her from regaling us with the same tale. it's been that way the entire 13 years i've known her and my partner says she's been that way since birth.
lately, within the last two months, Pat has had moments where she could not recall specific recent events or discussions of emotional importance one would normally be able to access. because of the nature of these lapses, two in particular, i am strongly suspicious of some cognitive impairment that isn't age related impacting her. both her mother and father developed dementia.
here are the two recent moments. i would like your input after i ask some questions:
- Event 1
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Pat is a meticulous date keeper. She writes all of her important dates down in a paper calendar. On occasion she will forget, but i am establishing this as a behavior to cement the reality of her nature; Pat keeps track in case she can't remember.
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Pat informed my partner and I that she had changed a doctor's appointment from a future date to a more recent date coming this weekend. This was not a mere off-handed comment or empty thought. She told us her usual way, at length, with extra detail, and repeated the important parts almost like a summary. About an hour or two goes by and she calls my partner to ask him what was so important from earlier that she was talking about, she couldn't remember. My partner let her fumble without guessing before interjecting it was "an appointment" she moved closer. She asked him what kind of an appointment. That is a massive red flag to me because she didn't even attempt to figure it out herself. She would usually throw out a few guesses, indicating she was attempting to retrieve information she knows is there, but this felt empty as if only the feeling of something having importance was all she could sense.
- Event 2
- I had a recent felony arrest pertaining to my severe psychological disorders that have been, thankfully, improving. I am making significant strides and have kept Pat afloat this entire time. We even talked about the eventually initial hearing at court I would have to attend and how this kind of arrest and conviction could impact my future. I had my initial appearance the other day and informed Pat like I had been doing. When I mentioned "felony" she looked shocked and her eyes widened and she repeated it to me as a question, "a felony?" I was dumbfounded but knew of her spaced out thinking and lifelong memory issues, so I gently reminded her. Then she denied knowing it was a felony charge and stated that nobody told her. This is yet another massive red flag for me as it demonstrates confabulation. She insisted on not knowing and didn't cease her surprised nature as I continued the conversation.
There are other moments that I cannot recall in this much detail that have caused me to raise an eyebrow the last two months. I have lived with her directly or been around her for over 10 years. Nothing has made me concerned until now, and I have been well aware of her family history with dementia, so I have been primed to see things where they don't exist. I am concerned that is not happening and I am actually potentially seeing early warning signs.
I am not asking for a diagnosis or even a likelihood of dementia or Alzheimer's. I am asking if I am on to something that should be investigated by a doctor further. I know it "doesn't hurt to check," but there are several circumstances why I can't casually bring this up to my partner or his mother. I need to have a good reason (subjective, i know). A slight hunch that we should take care of just to be safe isn't going to cut it. I'll be clearer: if this were your mother would you be pursuing memory testing?
I have to figure out how to have a conversation with my partner about this if so, because he is not mentally prepared. This has been a lifelong fear he has had, and I worry it may be coming true. Luckily, Pat has prepared for this through legal paperwork (will, POAs) and living arrangements already made, including burial. Pat knew this was always a possible outcome.
My partner is off the weekend and Monday. Depending on responses and my own intuition I may tell him that I am merely concerned (not certain of or suspicious of anything) Monday, that way he has the structure of the rest of the week to hopefully help with distracting negative disordered thoughts.
WHEW lol thanks for reading, really. this is difficult.. i feel burdened with information that may impact our lives but i don't want to suggest testing or intervention unless others do agree those two events are red flags. Again, to reiterate, not asking for diagnosis.. just to know if i'm looking at green or red.