this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2025
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I've never seen an episode of house, but based on secondhand accounts, this is how I imagine an episode going:
House: hello, it's me, Dr house. I bet all of you that I can identify some crazy disease.
Unimportant Dr 1: You always do that
House: you are stupid and you should feel bad.
[Patient enters]
Patient: Doctor, I got bit by my dog.
House: You are stupid and should feel bad.
Unimportant Dr 1: House! You can say that to a patient!
House: Of course I can, it's true. [Starts spitting out slurs]
Unimportant Dr 2: I'm so sorry about Dr house, let me dress that wound.
House: No! The patient can't be treated!
Dr 2: why??
House: I'll never tell. ๐
[Patient faints]
House(to Dr 2): How could you be so stupid!?
[House grabs nearby syringes and begins injecting the patient]
[Patient wakes up]
House(to Dr 2): If you weren't so stupid, you would've gone to the patients house, kidnapped their dog and beheaded it. You see, this dog has a penchant for eating people with AIDS. So when the dog went to bite the patient, the patient got AIDS.
Patient: I have AIDS?
House: You are stupid and disgusting and you should feel bad.
Dr 1: I guess I owe you, House!
House: Give me the hospital's supply of morphine. I am a drug addict.
[Omnes exeunt]
If you had just put Vicodin instead of Morphine it would have been 100% accurate. Although he does take Morphine a couple times as well, so maybe that's just splitting hairs.