I did a big diarrhea out of my doodoo ass and both the left and the right are being snowflakes

Good lord I know several liberals IRL who would say this exact thing unironically.

it's wild they're not even making an attempt to coopt this energy the way they did in 2020

Give Biden's dog treats every time it bites a secret service agent to encourage the behaviour.

What do you even do?

i have some ideas

Melchett: President Joe Biden has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan to ensure final victory over Trump!

Blackadder: Ah, would this brilliant plan involve doubling down on genocide and oppression while attacking the left?

Darling: How could you possibly know that, Blackadder, it's classified information!

B: It's the same plan that we used last time... and the seventeen times before that.

M: E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it! Doing precisely what we've done eighteen times before is the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! There is, however, one small problem.

B: The fact that he's plummeting in the polls and everyone under 35 is calling him "Genocide Joe?"

M: That's right! And President Joe Biden is worried that this may be depressing the base a tad. So! He's looking to find a way to cheer them up!

B: Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious route.

I’ve seen conservatives make fun of CNN… because they think it’s ironic that the woke students are turning against the woke anti American news that tell them what to do lol

He's trying to beat Richard Nixon for least blue electoral map.

"Mr. President... Um... Ah... I strongly suggest you do not wear those shorts to the Almost Summer Get Out the Youth Vote! rally."

"I know - I know. Some of my aides think it's not presidential for me to show my bare old legs to America. But the old dogs are like me. They need some sun and I want reach out to the young folks and they show lots of skin. Trust me - I look at them. A lot. Tan. Firm. Young. Soft. Tan. Very tan. The tan girls with their taunt young sweet—"

"We feel your American flag shorts are are not appropriate."

"I heard all the complaints. But America needs me. She needs me. And I need her. I love America. We all gotta love America. Like we did before. Before. You. know. when? Strom Thurmond as a man... was a man..." he trials off into unintelligibility and gibberish for about 10 seconds. He snaps back "He loved America too!"

"We also feel beyond the flag problem there's another problem... It's a delicate problem... I don't know how to... What I mean—"

"Get to the point. Speak clearly. Out with it. Now."

"Well... They look like... diapers."

The next day the president goes out in his flag diaper shorts and with literally less than a minute #BidenFlagDiapers has been created. By the end of the hour it's trending. Within about a week Biden's poll numbers have fallen 10% and pundits are demanding an immediate reboot to save his dying campaign.

New dem strategy: get approval rating to negative, causing underflow and instantly getting 100% approval

That's a typo, he means he will use Goodwill stores of this nation to unite the people because everyone of all walks of life has to shop there or fall behind on bills.

He is not the hero we need, but the hero we deserve.

American Leto II

At the very least, I don’t think Biden cares. I’ve never met anyone his age who actually cared about anything other than seeing their grandkids and getting to go on racist tirades at the drop of a hat.

Uhhhhh, wrong community...