847
submitted 10 months ago by ZeroCool@slrpnk.net to c/nottheonion@lemmy.world
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[-] Spot@startrek.website 227 points 10 months ago

Far-right influencer Rogan O’Handley went so far as to suggest that if the Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Swift and Kelce would trigger an apocalyptic chain of events that would kill millions. “You MUST defeat the Chiefs,” O’Handley wrote in an X post addressed to the San Francisco 49ers. “If you don’t, Mr. Pfizer and his girlfriend are going to tour the country as ‘world champions’ helping elect Joe Biden WW3 will likely follow in a 2nd Biden term and millions will die. The fate of the free world rests upon your shoulders”

Just wow. Only a tidbit of the crazy they are spouting in this article.

[-] EmergMemeHologram@startrek.website 132 points 10 months ago

I don't get it.

Why would the cabal, the super influential group secretly controlling all our actions, need a football team to win the superbowl to defeat them, and why would they, in all their Machiavellian wisdom, not have considered the 50% chance event that their football team loses?

Why would they pick Biden for another term then start WW3? Why not just start it now if that's what they want and he's already their puppet? They've had 3 years and there's certainly enough political tinder in the world to start a fire.

None of this makes any coherent sense.

[-] EmergMemeHologram@startrek.website 60 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

You know what, I've thought about this some more and the reasoning is clear.

If the 49ers win, they'll inadvertantly resurrect Harvey Milk, who will kill JFK (who faked his own death and has been lying in wait), who will then be unable to reclaim the last months of his presidency (his term was never officially ended you know) which he planned to use to restore Donald Trump to power. Harvey Milk will then become president and make heterosexuality illegal and force us to live in 15 minute neighborhoods.

That must be their angle! They win either way!

[-] HonkTonkWoman@lemm.ee 27 points 10 months ago

There’s one key piece you’re missing, Joe Montana is actually resurrected Harvey Milk & has been this whole time.

This plan began back when Joe was winning Super Bowls, but Steve Young was an unexpected hiccup. The queer stopped spreading as fast when Joe got traded.

This Superbowl has been chosen specifically because Montana played for both the Chiefs & the 49ers, & because Joe Montana is also Taylor Swift.

They were going to do it 4 years ago, but Joe was still Arianna Grande back then.

It’ll all make sense when Andy Reid eats Travis Kelce during halftime.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (8 replies)
load more comments (5 replies)
[-] Sabata11792@kbin.social 60 points 10 months ago

Trump sycophant Laura Loomer wrote on X that “the Democrats’ Taylor Swift election interference psyop is happening in the open… They are going to use Taylor Swift as the poster child for their pro-abortion GOTV Campaign.”

This shit sounds like deepfried AI hallucinations, but I know people are actually that dumb.

load more comments (3 replies)
[-] PrincessLeiasCat@sh.itjust.works 47 points 10 months ago

millions will die

Didn’t seem to care about that too much during Covid, not sure why it’s a problem for him now.

[-] lemmylommy@lemmy.world 38 points 10 months ago

If the guy is endorsing a team from San Francisco, the capital of libruls and the gay, he must be part of the conspiracy.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (11 replies)
[-] RootAccess@lemmynsfw.com 134 points 10 months ago

I'm continually impressed at how good Joe Biden is at running this vast, secret, deep state network of people rigging everything... while being so bad at anything else.

[-] jettrscga@lemmy.world 82 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Obligatory definitions of fascism #8:

Fascist societies rhetorically cast their enemies as "at the same time too strong and too weak".

load more comments (9 replies)
[-] gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works 113 points 10 months ago

Lmao what the actual fuck 🤣

[-] ZeroCool@slrpnk.net 67 points 10 months ago

Taylor Swift stole my pic-a-nic basket!

[-] betterdeadthanreddit@lemmy.world 40 points 10 months ago

Somebody's playing with the cursed Mad Libs booklet again.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[-] taanegl@lemmy.world 108 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

That has to be the lamest conspiracy theory of 2024, and we're only in January. Strap in, kids. It's election year and it's finna be a doozy.

[-] Ticklemytip@lemmy.world 92 points 10 months ago

Hahahahahahaha bahahahahahaaa. Oh wait... They're serious. Let me laugh even harder BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHQHAHAH!

[-] hex_m_hell@slrpnk.net 52 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

There's a Q six letters in. There's 12 months in a year, which is 6x2. That means THIS YEAR BIDEN RIGGED THE SUPER BOWL! It's clearly an admission from a secret agent associatied with Q.

/s just in case it's needed, because we live in the dumbest of all possible time lines.

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] Syringe@lemmy.world 89 points 10 months ago

"Editor wastes ink on this bullshit instead of the news"

load more comments (5 replies)
[-] Mango@lemmy.world 84 points 10 months ago

Taylor Swift doesn't need the Superbowl.

[-] CleoTheWizard@lemmy.world 35 points 10 months ago

Conservatives are so out of touch that they think that Taylor Swift still needs a platform after a record breaking music tour. If anything, she is the platform that the NFL needs for a female audience, not the other way around.

load more comments (7 replies)
[-] agent_flounder@lemmy.world 67 points 10 months ago

Right wingers say stupid shit that makes no fucking sense. News at 11.

load more comments (3 replies)
[-] thisbenzingring@lemmy.sdf.org 63 points 10 months ago

when I was reading 1984 a few years back it occurred to to me that the main character is trapped in his own hell. he tells you how he is dependent on big brother for everything, even his opinion. But his temptation and love and freedom cause his downfall. His handler even knows he will one day fall into the snare. And when they break him, they do so with simple lies that he is forced to believe, because its all that he has left.

But its not big government that is keeping him trapped. He could leave his life and become a prole but his fear is too great. And he returns to the party even when he knows its his doom.

The conservatives are trapped in this same hell cycle. Brought on by themselves. And they fear that leaving the party so much so that they will harm anyone else who tires.

[-] pachrist@lemmy.world 24 points 10 months ago

Sounds like 1984 is about to get banned South of the Mason Dixon. Can't have these liberal, Yankee views corrupting the youth.

load more comments (30 replies)
[-] _sideffect@lemmy.world 60 points 10 months ago

So then why don't they bet on it and make tons of cash?

[-] Aabbcc@lemm.ee 35 points 10 months ago

Because there's a chance trump and the good guys can defeat the forces of evil and un-rig the SuperBowl

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (10 replies)
[-] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 57 points 10 months ago

Why would the Superbowl need to be rigged for her to do this? Everything the woman does is already reported and televised everywhere.

load more comments (10 replies)
[-] Coreidan@lemmy.world 55 points 10 months ago

That’s because right wingers are the dumbest people on the planet

[-] HawlSera@lemm.ee 49 points 10 months ago

The fuck does Taylor Swift have to do with this?

[-] Random_German_Name@feddit.de 49 points 10 months ago

She told people to vote and most Taylor Swift Fans probably aren‘t conservative

load more comments (6 replies)
[-] Squirrel@thelemmy.club 36 points 10 months ago

Her boyfriend is on one of the teams playing. That's it.

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] Dkarma@lemmy.world 49 points 10 months ago

Reality is rigged -the guy who went to Texas to watch JFK come back from the dead

load more comments (1 replies)
[-] carl_dungeon@lemmy.world 48 points 10 months ago

I love the idea that hard right idiots get enraged and boycott everything they love, leaving them sitting alone in their garages angrily muttering to themselves and hating everything.

[-] Zink@programming.dev 29 points 10 months ago

Who would have guessed that defining your identity by the things you hate, and your politics by the people you want hurt, would lead one towards being a miserable fuck.

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] kandoh@reddthat.com 37 points 10 months ago

Conservatives believe whatever feels good for them to believe at that exact moment. The only evidence they need that a white football player dating a white pop star is a psyop is the cortisol their brain gave them when they came up with the idea.

[-] Everythingispenguins@lemmy.world 37 points 10 months ago

Well I was going to vote for Biden but now I am changed, I can't let the white liberal hope of Tay Tay ruin my enjoyment of making black people play sports.

/s like lots of it because someone crazy MF is going to think that is really what I think.

[-] gardylou@lemmy.world 33 points 10 months ago
load more comments (5 replies)
[-] kersploosh@sh.itjust.works 32 points 10 months ago

It would be funny if it wasn't also scary. These people are unhinged.

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] J12@lemmy.world 32 points 10 months ago

The NFL probably is rigged but not for the reasons these fuckheads think.

[-] pachrist@lemmy.world 25 points 10 months ago

Can't believe you'd accuse the NFL, sponsored by Draft Kings and Fan Duel, of rigging the Super Bowl. Is nothing sponsored by Caesars Sports Book sacred?

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] Snapz@lemmy.world 32 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

"Everything The TV tells me not to like in life is on purpose and against me specifically!!! Everyone is thinking about me, all the time, and plotting. EVERYONE!"

load more comments (2 replies)
[-] toasteecup@lemmy.world 32 points 10 months ago

Oh boy, I love stealing the superb owl from idiots.

[-] Pratai@lemmy.ca 28 points 10 months ago

My god those cowards will cry about everything.

[-] TrueStoryBob@lemmy.world 24 points 10 months ago

The joke is on them... the game is definitely rigged, she's paid off the NFL so that she can announce she's running for president on an independent ticket against Trump and Biden.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›
this post was submitted on 29 Jan 2024
847 points (96.0% liked)

Not The Onion

12550 readers
1440 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS