(Chicago, IL) The popular satirical news site “The Onion” announced mass hirings in their newspaper and broadcast divisions Wednesday, as staff member left in droves to take advantage of the new, more relaxed hiring standards of the FBI. The federal agency began hiring applicants with more questionable backgrounds Monday, citing staffing difficulties.
“We’ve all seen a really attractive horse, a sheep, or a goat that tried to lure you into a sexual relationship,” said one former writer who requested anonymity due to concerns regarding PETA. “Maybe you like incels, and accidentally fall for a pig, or a skunk. I personally was fooled into believing I was dating a furry for 9 months until I learned the awful truth, and I’m glad Director Patel understands that need for the deed with the steed.”
Many of the former comedy writers say they appreciate the FBI’s self-satire during the current administration. “I always wanted to work at the top joke agency,” said one. “And the current FBI lays it on thick… and everyone acts like it’s not a joke, like, every day. We’re going to be the best cops in America, and maybe some dude fucked a squirrel. You can’t get that here - The Onion may be satirical, but there’s a strong vein of integrity underneath that you don’t have to worry about at the FBI.”
Department heads at The Onion say they are sad to see so many staff go, but they look forward to seeing what humor their new members will bring. “We’re excited to keep working here at The Onion,” said Leo Sturbgetter, “and we hope that if they clarify whether those prostitutes can be dead, we don’t see another wave of exits. I mean, Thailand, am I right?”
The Thai Government responded to a request for comment, confirming it is still illegal to sleep with dead people in the country.