Asklemmy

I also want to live my life but where I grew up, small town in GA, the expectation seems to be I move in with my parents to physically take care of them, otherwise I’m not a good son.

Oh man, okay so I feel this so hard. I have felt that guilt put on my shoulders and I've seen friends and family have that guilt put on theirs. You will need to choose your own path but I'll say that you will be the only one who cares about your life path.

My friend moved to a place ~500 miles away from home and loved it, was happy to be there. His mother refused to visit. Old world "A mother shouldn't visit her son, her son should respect her and come visit". So he did. Then she guilted him into moving back home, giving up opportunities farther away. He is happy in the sense that he's married and has kids and a fulfilling life, but he will always have the what if questions. What if his now wife and him had stayed, what if they had done this or that. I promise you, if you let them drive your life you will never be truly fulfilled.

Which is what drives my question. If they need assistance in the future, why couldn't they move to where you are? Because every reason they could give could be equally flipped to you. "We have friends here". "We have a house here". "We like it here". All of those you could say about where you are too. So if you are happy where you are and they need care why couldn't they come to you?

The funny thing about people who think about things like "good son" or "good " is that you will never do enough to appease them. Ever. You will need to grapple with this. You can move home. You can give them spongebaths. You can tuck them in at night and help them go to the bathroom. You will never be a "good son" if you aren't now - because you are a good son. Just by thinking about this you are a good son. Their expectations of what a "good son" however non-commital and will always change, proven just with the guilt. The sooner you accept that their expectations of a "good son" will never be met, the sooner you can think more practically about how you want to proceed with life.

I had to go to therapy to realize how much guilt there was in my family, and learn some techniques on how to combat it. The most effective one is simply to call it out. They pull that "Well you're just so far away" or "I wish you lived closer" you just gotta call that out, right there, on the spot. That shit breeds with repression, just letting it get away. "You're just so far away" -> "You're always welcome to visit". "I wish you lived closer" -> "I wish you lived closer to me too!". Put it right back out there. I've just also done the "Mom I'm not doing the guilt trip today. Your feelings are your own, I'm happy where I live and if you have a problem with it that's your problem to work on, not mine".

So, I'm sorry for the wall of text, but that last line needs to be called out. You are a good son. There are no expectations that you must give up your life to take care of them. If they didn't plan ahead for life and expected you to come home, that's their problem, not yours. Of course help where you feel comfortable, but it should be because you want to and it fits in your life, not because they expect it.

My parents lived on their own hundreds of miles from me. My father passed away. My mom was able to manage on her own for several years, I visited occasionally, maybe 2-4 times a year. Her biggest issue was managing her money, so I tried to simplify things for her, arranged for her bills to be paid automatically, etc. She was ok with taking care of herself, shopping, etc. She had some medical issues and eventually was not able to manage. I moved her up to a senior (independent) living facility 15 minutes from me. She lived on her own, had all meals provided, weekly housekeeping, activities, neighbors, etc. and I would visit probably weekly. Then she had a stroke and needed more help. I moved her to the assisted living side of her facility. She gets to go to the same activities she was going to before, same friends. She currently doesn't need a lot of help, mostly bathing so she's safe in the shower and medication management as she was becoming unreliable about taking her pills.

Thankfully my parents saved plenty of $ and there is no issue with paying for her care. I have talked to friends with aging parents and it sounds like if there is no $, medicaid will pay for assisted living if they qualify. Since I haven't had to do that, I don't have the details.

It is a whole lot easier to move parents into senior living when they can be part of the decision and are more mobile. As we get older, it gets more difficult for US to arrange all of this.

One more thing, great idea to think about possibly healthcare power of attorney, advanced directive, financial power of attorney if something should happen.

Mine are closer to 750 ... they get thoughts and prayers.

I have no advice if you actually like your parents I'm afraid.

• Regular FaceTimes. Got them a tablet, set it up with their anniversary as the PIN and big fonts and an alarm 10 mins before our 3x/week touch base

• Food prep box delivery

• Set them up with weekly or biweekly housekeeping. Touch base periodically with housekeeper for any notable developments (are they starting to put canned goods in the freezer or other cognitive decline signs?)

• Touch base periodically with a neighbor if possible

• Schedule visits as frequently as possible, preferably stagger siblings to increase frequency

In some ways I'm pretty lucky in my situation. My parents are pieces of shit, so I fuckin don't take care of them and have no plans to

My dad is actively sabotaging any help we try to get him.

If it comes to a point where they're unable to take care of themselves, and you need to share a roof in order to see that they are taken care of, they should move in with you.

That aside, hire out help if it's more than you can do, but be careful. The edges of life are where people are exploited the most.

My Mom was in a nursing home for a few years before she passed. That was a bit different though, she had a stroke. My father has made his plans and thankfully my brother is near him. If your parents are still doing well mentally, now is the time to have this discussion.

Find out what they want, what they already have planned, if they have wils/trusts, do they have a DNR? Do they want to be kept on life support? How far do they want medical intervention to go? Do they want and can they afford in home care or, assisted living or a full on nursing home. Is their a plan for any property they may own if they need any type of care? And if you're in the US, how/when does Medicare/medicade kick in and do they have to use all their money and sell all their assets first?

Absolutely talk to them now when they can think about it. No one wants to talk about their death or their declining health but, I'd rather know their preferences than just blindly guess.

We converted the detached garage into a granny flat and moved them in there. They don't have a key to our house, and so have to call or knock when they want to visit - just like if they lived nearby but not in the back yard. It's the only way it can work for us. When they have something medical going on they stay with us in the guest room. I work from home so I can generally check in on them often.

Other than that, they're ~78 years old, but completely self sufficient for now, thankfully. When the day comes they're not, I'll probably take them out to the woods. They're my in-laws, if you had to ask.

800 miles away, there is nothing you can do. It is up to them to set up progressive levels of care.

If you are considering moving in with them bear in mind what it will do to your career

I just let them figure it out lol. They should have saved for retirement or an old folks home. They are adults who can read, they can figure out Medicaid/Medicare to get what they need accomplished. In a dire situation I would allow them to move in with me where I am. I clawed my way to independence with zero assistance from them. In fact they purposely sabotaged me at times so I'm not sacrificing my entire life to care for them.

if they are well off, when they begin to need assistance with day to day shit they will likely move into an 'assisted living facility'. there are actually a few tiers of these kinds of places from almost no help to full monitoring.

if they have the money, they dont need you.

personally, i wouldnt sweat it. aint your circus.

With what little info you've given...

They live on their own until one of them falls, or just straight up dies, and the other can't help.

No debt, decent pension (very fortunate, there). Sell the house and move them into assisted living. That's what most people in your situation do. It's not forever, but some people can hang on for much longer than expected. My guess is it will be your mom, both statistically, and she sounds like a fighter.

Or, you can go take care of them for a few years to protect your inheritance, if that's possible for you.

My dad started needing help when he couldn't drive anymore. Fortunately, both of my sisters lived nearby, while I had moved away. He had dementia and lived in assisted living for the last two years of his life.

Do you take care of them physically as well? I mean giving them showers, cleaning them, cleaning the house, feeding them, organizing their medicines

If it gets to the point where they can't manage their own eating and hygiene, don't do it for them (and don't hire someone to do it); let nature take its course. I know it sounds harsh, but once that sort of decline begins, it's game over anyway, and the constant medical intervention usually just extends the misery.

My folks will go to assisted living. That's according to their wishes. They took care of their aging parents and they don't want to take that same path themselves.

Part of it is yes, their kids ended up scattered around the world so there's no way it wouldn't end up being disproportionately on one to carry the burden. There's also absolutely shit social services for caretakers in my country, almost as bad as for working mothers.

Trying to get them closer. I see them a couple times a year but in their 60s/70s i know their capacity is just diminishing.