Don't have the kid, break up with the gf lmao. You don't want that very expensive life, then break up with her.
this post was submitted on 25 Aug 2026
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Relationship Advice
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Don't. Have. A. Kid. If. You. Don't. Want. A. Kid.
This is the most cut and dry answer you're going to get, OP.
Do you want to be a parent? That’s the only question that matters. No need to make excuses about budget or hobbies. If you don’t want to be a parent that’s your answer. And if you do, you’ll find a way.
Don't have a child for someone else's benefit
You can't un-have a child, and that kid didn't ask to be brought into this world "just because"
Also, kids ruin everything and life is better without them
I'm not sure about the last sentence being universally true, but the rest is spot on. The only time a person should consider having a kid is if you actually want a kid, and simultaneously you have good reason to think you could give the kid an enjoyable life.
As someone who very much almost agrees with that last point, and never wants kids and had a vasectomy over a decade ago before I was even sexuallg active I order to prevent it,
"kids ruin everything and life is better without them IF YOU KNOW YOU DON'T WANT THEM"
I know several people (not nearly as many as have kids lmao) I know who are truly happy with having kids and would have been miserable without them.
The morality of having children in this day and age is definitely questionable, but I can't deny that for some people it really does make them happy.
It won't make you happy if you don't want kids though. You'll end up hating them and your spouse.
I know it's a cliche for relationship advice on the Internet to always be "break up", but the kids question is one of the major sources of "irreconcilable differences" that people can have.
Decide what you want your life to be like, particularly about kids. Have a serious talk with her about what she wants hers to be like in that way.
If the answers don't match then it's pretty much going to fall apart sooner or later, and the two of you can decide when that will be.
My personal solution to the whole thing was to get snipped well before meeting my SO, which made it unambiguous from the start that she was ok with no additional kids.
Same. It made someone make a decision from the get-go. It doesn't mean things like adoption or surrogate pregnancy won't come up later, but being snipped and explaining why and then spending time together seems to make the answer obvious.
Also, depending upon culture, expect both of you to be pressured about children. None of my family know, but my mom gave up in my 40s. My wife is japanese and the pressure is higher, but she's not the eldest daughter which seems to help.
Not having kids is a totally valid (and some would say the responsible) choice.
Having kids you don't really want is the worst kind of child abuse.
Plenty of people keep accidental pregnancies and are great parents with well adjusted kids.
I'm sure that's not what you're referring to though but I'm still putting it out there.
Being an accident is not remotely the same as being unwanted, though they are overlapping sets.
I'd say it falls in the same ballpark but I think we can agree to disagree here.
Yeah, maybe have a deep talk amongst the two of you... "I think she ..." is probably not going to cut it, if you ask me. I'd make sure everyone knows exactly what the other person expects from life.
And ABSOLUTELY make it clear that your opinion on children will NOT change, and if she's hoping it will over time then she is not only continuing the relationship with an ulterior motive, she is actively harming herself and setting herself up for issues down the line in the process.
So many people here telling you to break up, calling it an irreconcilable difference... Reddit moment, I guess?
A couple of things pop into mind:
I think she would be extremely sad if she stayed with me and if we didn't have kids
You think, but would she be? That's something the two of you have to talk about. Essentially - you both have to know what the two of you want. Don't be afraid of honest conversations, it's what relationships often need the most, even if they can get pretty uncomfortable. Maybe she's not super keen on children, either?
I hate work culture and I don't want to work until I'm 80 because I have kids, it's the biggest issue for me.
Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have to work until you're 80 - but what I understand from that is you don't want kids unless things are financially stable, which is very reasonable. The question for me is: would you be OK with having kids if it wouldn't make a difference in terms of your financial situation (or would you maybe even want them then)? Maybe there are solutions to financial issues, and it might be worth addressing them even without the question of kids. Again, something you need to talk with your gf about.
I want to live as frugally as possible.
Question is, do you want to live as frugally as possible out of principle or because of a tight budget? If it's the first, then that could get difficult when it comes to having kids, since it's something you should avoid imposing on your kids (I'm not saying smother your kids with expenditures, that's wrong as well - you need to find a proper middle ground). If it's the second, then as mentioned above, it's something you should look at more closely, with or without the prospect of kids.
in addition to that I have hobbies and I want my time spent on my hobbies and interests
That's a more difficult one. You will have less time for your hobbies, but there definitely should be some time left for your hobbies and interests (I'm assuming we're talking about a couple kids at most). And who knows, maybe they're interests you can share with your kids, depending on if they're interested? Then you can even use that to bond with your children later on.
I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this
The impression I get is that you know neither what you want nor what your gf wants. And that's something you should change. Talk with each other openly. Explain your concerns. If you're not sure about what you want, let her know about that. Ask her what she would like, how strong her preferences are, etc.. make it clear that not everything has to be solved in one conversation, take as many as you need. A number of short, honest conversations are better than one long winded one. Give things time to cool down. Sleep on things. And maybe continue to make it a recurring thing, even if this topic is resolved. Communication is one of the most important parts in a(ny) relationship.
You also have no clue how that kid will turn out which you need to take into consideration for as well when it comes to finances. Say you have a kid and they are special needs or have medical issues that need to be addressed. Thats not only financially draining, but also more time consuming as well. They also could be ok, but just fall into something bad and thats another decision you need to make because how long do you try to lead them to success before calling it quits? It's just a lot and if he really is that adamant about not having a kid, then he will most likely have more resentment as the years go on if the kid needs more attention then you even thought they needed to begin with.
I've talked to her, I know for a fact she wants children
I certainly know what to want also
There is no compromise here. If you split up it'll hurt for awhile but you'll both be happier in the long run
I'm flagging quite a few sentences that tell me you don't want kids and you want to keep focusing on yourself. I think any further advice from me could be harmful, so I tell you what I observe.
Sooo do you want children?
You can find someone to not have children with. I met my wife 10 years ago in our mid 30s. We both had dogs, I was pretty clear early on that I didn't want kids and she was very sure too. About a year into the relationship I got a vasectomy to make sure of that and it has been great.
You will probably have to move on if you really don't want kids unless. There might be discounts for picking up a premade models of you would someday want to adopt a child.
Get a puppy. Cause they are a shit ton of work and expense. Kids are more.
If there is doubt then there is no doubt.
Well I can say I am older with a wife with medical issues and no kids and no job currently and money is to tight for any hobbies that cost. So thats the one hand. I guess im saying that with or without kids you never know especially with the way things are nowadays. On the other hand I personally think having kids is nuts now. Even beyond the bleak outlook for the economy. I mean I can't handle having my kids not be able to have as decent a life as mine or not be able to get as much education as I. There is the environment with the wildfires and devastating storms and dwindling resources and all the pollution especially plastics. The general wealth inequality and moves toward facism.
These are incompatible issues. You can't have part of a kid, you either do or you don't. I have a 1 year old and you can't do it if you didn't want to any children.
You are not compatible and need to have a discussion about this being a deal breaker. You are likely to break up but you don't have to be hostile about it.
I was in your position some 18y ago. i was on the fence but wife wanted it. we had one.
i thought that would be it for me. but 4y later wife wanted another one. i was on the fence again but went for it.
both were the best things in my life. without the kids I would devolve into work culture. my life's a lot better now with them.
Why do these anecdotes always sound like a person giving up and allowing themselves to be assimilated by brain slugs?
"I gave up on my closely held beliefs and drank the hormone poison and now I love the tentacle!"
Man, i can't deny that you have a valid point, but from a practical standpoint: does it matter, if it makes you happy?
I was never on the fence about wanting kids. I had a shitty childhood and my guiding purpose was always to rectify that by making sure my kids grew up with the support and resources they needed that I didn't have. And I sacrificed a lot to make that happen - while all my friends were enjoying their 20s, I was grinding my career, hard, to make sure I could pull it off.
I wouldn't go back and change a single thing. Yeah, the early years sucked. Yeah, it was a huge risk either way for my wife. Yeah, I could have traveled more or used all that money for stuff for ourselves. I think what I got instead was infinitely more valuable.
I'm sorry that we live in a bullshit world where financial constraints even make this a problem for people. Having kids should be a slam dunk easy decision if it weren't for those implications, and modern medicine has drastically lowered infant and maternal mortality (not enough to trivialize it, but it's not killing 30% of women like it used to).
They don't sound like that to me. I gave up lots of things in the thirty years I've been with my wife. Not because I am with her, but because I outgrew some things, life happened or whatever. I agree with the person you're replying to, deciding to have kids is great in hindsight.
That’s a good point. You give up things by being in a relationship but gain other things. Who could possibly know how you’re going to find being a parent… what kind of bond you’ll form. Whether your partner will be a good parent etc without going through it.
If you’re lucky you get to make the decision either way, and don’t have it made for you.
Which is also a good point, if you don't make a decision, someone will make it for you.
More like "I was wrong about this thing I was convinced to be true, being a parent is actually pretty awesome"
Shout-out to young me who said he'd never eat a brussel sprout!
That's not OP's position though. Sounds like you were ambivalent; OP sounds like he actively does not want them. It's a world of difference.
First decide what you really want - and what is a deal breaker. Then have a serious chat with your GF. This is one of those topics that you really need to be in agreement on for a LTR to work.
On a personal note, I have kids and love it. My life has 100% more trampoline in it because of them. But, they aren't for everyone - and that's ok.
Why do you think she would be sad… have you guys not discussed this? A clear answer might not come from it but it would give you something to go on.