No Stupid Questions

Hi OP, I'm an asexual woman with endometriosis and chronic pelvic pain. Coming at it from this perspective.

Consider that some people find fisting and stuffing jars up their butt pleasurable. People are really weird, so no matter what you think of someone is going to find it pleasurable. Just because they find something pleasurable doesn't mean you also have to.

If you don't find something pleasurable, that's okay. You don't have to do it, ever. How you describe your pain is how I feel trying to do butt stuff and I just absolutely do not want to engage with it because it doesn't feel good. I'm not going to go to a doctor to get my butt examined so I can do butt stuff, and I'm sure most the men in this post telling you shit wouldn't do that, either.

You can have sex without penetration, if you want to. It's fine not to have sex at all. It's also fine not to even masturbate. Sexuality shouldn't be compulsory.

I have a friend who couldn't do penetrative sex, so her and her husband went to sex clubs and did lots of kink stuff without penetration and she says it was great. Don't limit yourself to the idea that sex is only penis in vagina. A lot of men to try to tell you that. Hanging out in queer communities has opened my mind to a lot of possibilities.

Vaginismus exists. You probably have it. Doctors are really shit at detecting it. Gynecologists generally only care about delivering babies. Its like my experience trying to get treated for endo. You don't just go to a doctor and get treated for pelvic pain like a lot of comments seem to be handwaving. It's a dehumanizing experience and your pain will probably be ignored anyway.

I personally vouch that pelvic floor physical therapists are amazing, but I totally get why someone wouldn't want to do that. It'll also probably take multiple doctors and all the pain and violation that comes with repeat exams so it's completely valid not to engage with the medical system. It was not made for women.

It is perfectly okay to stay as you are and explore non penetrative sex.

That said, the actual answer to your question is that, yes, I am a woman who finds vaginal sex pleasurable. I don't experience pain from it unless the endo is flaring. However, it causes chronic UTIs amid the other overmedicalized bullshit that sex brings when you are a woman, so I don't do it much anyway.

Welcome to Lemmy! Sorry about the degenerates saying "you're gay", as if sexual orientation had anything to do with it (plenty of lesbians like penetration - usually with toys - and vice versa). Trust me, Reddit would be way worse...

Yes, women in general enjoy sex, and not because they like pain (although some like that too, but that's not relevant to your post). I've had the feeling of penetration described to me like a very satisfying pressure, no pain involved at all.

See your doctor. Your vagina can dilate far enough to give birth, the average penis should (taking into account enough foreplay, arousedness and no medical or anxiety issues) really not hurt.

Vaginismus, Endometriosis, Stress, Anxiety, not enough natural lubrication or the need for dilatation are the most common issues, but there are other less common things that can lead to pain. Nearly all of them can be overcome, especially if you have a partner worth keeping.

NEVER let anyone gaslight into thinking your pain isn't real or no big deal. Pain is a very complex reaction that consists of a sensory input and the interpretation in your brain as painful - noone can decide for you what should or shouldn't hurt. I was a long time chronic pain patient, and after the surgeons told me that they couldnt do anymore for me and the painkillers didn't help, i was able to slowly rewire my brain with the help of a fantastic physical therapist. i had been in pain for so long that my brain simply interpreted every sensory input in the affected body parts as pain.

If i was able to get rid of the pain that was crippling me for years, you can do the same. And the sooner you start doing something against it, the easier it will be - don't try to wait this one out.

From the last time this was asked: seek professional medical advise. It should not be painful. There are non-medical reasons it might be less than amazing, but it should not be painful.

I made a snarky comment but after reading the body I realize you're a female OP.

Go see a doctor. Yes women do enjoy sex and if it's painful or uncomfortable you might need to get something checked out.

Not a woman here but coning from my wife: fuck yes, women enjoy sex and a lot of it. When she comes, she screams every time.

If sexual intercourse isn't pleasurable for you, or even painful, you may wnat to consult with a physician tonfigurr out what could cause your discomfort or pain, and to try and fix it

Sex is (and should be) awesome and amazing for everyone. I feel you're missing out on something wonderful and hope that you'll be able to fix this issue.

Beat wishes!

It is not supposed to be painful. If it is, then talk to a health professional.

Do not force yourself to have sex if it is painful! That might give you an aversion to it

If you are not old enough to do that without parents, then see if there is a school nurse, or other services for young people.

FYI: I am a man, but I know that women are supposed to enjoy sex.

I probably have vaginismus and my experience with penetration is pretty similar to yours.

Cis women do enjoy and even seek out vaginal penetrative sex, I eventually realized. Part of how I figured out I was different was reading a thread of all the weird stuff women inserted while masturbating. I was suddenly like: "Oh! They must really want something up there! Look at the stupid, dangerous stuff they're doing to experience that!"

There are things you can do medically if you genuinely want that kind of sex, but it's useful to remember that sex isn't just penetration. You literally never have to be penetrated to have enjoyable sex. It can be tough to find a partner, since PIV is the end goal of sex for lots of people (as is their perogative), but the world is also full of other types of people.

As for vocalization, the "oh fuck" (doc, it's like sandpaper ripping me in half) and "oh fuck" (I'm having an overwhelming but positive physical sensation) are pretty different kinds of yells, and generally sound pretty different. Like people don't cry just out of sadness, you know?

Sometimes. But, if you aren’t really into it and no lubricant is used, it does not feel good and can hurt. Men don’t seem to notice. My partner can’t tell the difference until I stop him.

That’s not including things like endometriosis and other health issues that make sex painful for women.

Additionally women experience different levels of pain. Getting the IUD hurt so much I vomited in the parking lot. My doctor told me women who have given birth don’t have as much trouble with it than women who haven’t. They told me to take an ibuprofen before my appointment. That did about as much good as doing nothing at all.

There are conditions where sex is painful that exist for both genders. Vaginismus is maybe 6% for women and phimosis is maybe 3% for men. Numbers on these things are tough to get as many people suffer them quietly thinking they are normal.

If you or your partner experience issues it is important to know you are not alone and you have choices. That said some folks also just do not enjoy sex. Many certainly do, regardless of gender or physicallity.

If you are having issues and you don't want to, I would advise talking with someone you trust and also seeing a doctor. It is good to get a few viewpoints on issues like this as sometimes they can be dismissed.

Yes. Women do enjoy sex and you should try to make sure you do to. It's not uncommon for women to not enjoy sex right away for a number of reasons. First something like 75% of women can't come from penetration alone so you need to get more from yourself or your partner. Second some women don't reach their sexual peak to around 30 because they need to really understand themselves and unlearn the myths about sex not being pleasurable. So what do you need to do?

First, I would recommend reading / listening to the best / longest running sex and relationship podcast by Dan Savage. It's a great way to both get comfortable about hearing / thinking about sex is a positive way as well as learn about consent, advocating for pleasure as well as ways to communicate this. It's kink and sex positive so you might hear about things that are scary or off-putting that some people like around sex but that's good learning. You might even hear about things you didn't know you were interested in.

Second you need to become the expert on your own body and pleasure. Your partner shouldn't have to read your mind because they are focused on their own pleasure and might be as inexperienced as you are. So you need to masterbate and see what you like. Touch everywhere and everything you see what you enjoy. See what thoughts turn you on. If porn seems to give you the ick try female made porn from Erika Lust or some audio erotica from Dipsea. Lots of women and men have problem with mainstream porn point of view and might enjoy a different take on it. Also there are numerous smutty books out that you might enjoy. If you need some references OMGYes has real scientific information about what women do for pleasure that is supposed to be amazing. Urban Tantra has a chapter on erotic massage for Vulvas (it also has one Penises) with step by step instructions and pictures. You might not enjoy the spiritual / chakra / woo woo aspect but the rest is applicable.

You are doing great and have fun.

Edit: I can't believe I did a whole post about female pleasure and forgot Sex Toys. You might need a vibrator another clitoris stimulation toy. oh joy sex toy has tons of reviews as well as other resources on sex toys. If you want to go in person go to Smitten Kitten or Babeland if they are in your city. If not look to see if any sex toy shops have the words feminist, LGBTQIA+ friendly or gender inclusive near you.

My wife initiates sex quite often

I assume she likes it

Yes. I am a woman and really enjoy sex. Less so when I was younger but it is not supposed to hurt, no. Two questions:

What happens when you put in a tampon?

Are you really very aroused before trying penetration?

ETA - people are recommending lube but lube does not substitute for arousal. Lube only helps slip - arousal makes space, adds slip, and relaxes the opening of the vagina some, so that there is room for a penis (or fingers or whatever). Sex is amazing but you need to be turned on to enjoy it.

Very interesting thread.

Just a little side note for everyone. Climax. The word you're looking for is climax. Or orgasm if you want to be totally technical. Not come, or cum. Climax.

Everyone is using some form of cum/come when talking about climax and I think it might be a little confusing for op.

Similar to other comments, that kinda sounds like vaginismus from what I've read of it. Obviously people have different preferences, but it's not supposed to be painful, assuming you're well-lubricated via foreplay or otherwise. It should be plenty wet inside and not dry. Things should slide right in and not be difficult to insert (important note: I do not have a vagina, this is just based on my sexual experience).

Plenty of people with vaginas don't particularly enjoy penetration for one reason or another (and plenty do), but actual physical pain is another matter, I think.

Could be endometriosis.

You should definitely see a doctor about this because it does sound like a problem.

But,

It's also possible you just don't like sex. You might be on the asexual spectrum. Your vagina might be reacting like this because you just don't want to fuck. Or maybe you'll fix the medical issue, be able to fuck, and then decide you don't like it. Nobody can know if that's gonna happen but you.

Talk to the doctor, figure out what the problem is. But please don't feel pressured to enjoy sex. If that ain't you, well it doesn't have to be. Besides, there's lots of ways to have a fun naughty time other than penetration.

I used to think this and it took me far too long to realise that men aren't icky, I'm just a raging lesbian.

In case it wasn't mentioned already, consider looking into pelvic physical therapy. They specialize in this area and treat physical problems that cause pain during sexual activity, bodily functions, etc. I see one and it has helped me a lot!

My wife has had an issue with pain during penetration that turned out to be caused by the depo birth control shot. It's a rare side effect that no one told her about.

For me, it hurts at first, but my body builds up lubrication after insertion. He goes gentle and slow for a bit until it feels good for me. I would characterize my pleasure from sex as kind of comparable to my pleasure from eating. In general I love sex. Not every meal is a Michelin star. Sometimes it is, just absolutely amazing and fulfills my every need. Sometimes it's just reliable and hits the spot real quick, like a peanut butter sandwich. Rarely, something is a bit off, and it's not that great.

But it's not normal for me to suffer. I stops hurting, it feels good, and I want it.

Yes, women do very much enjoy sex. Pleasure and pain can be mixed in enjoyable ways during sex, but no, it is not normal to experience pain during sex, nor is it required. You have to be lubricated enough. At the doctor, they will use their own lubricant, but having a stranger examine you is one of the least sexy experiences out there, and they use a somewhat sharp, cold metal instrument to stretch and hold you open beyond what inserting a penis would do. So it is not surprising that it hurts and is uncomfortable. Sticking something inside yourself "cold" with no buildup or sexual desire will have a similar effect. It is not a pocket.

A few things:

Since it appears you have not had sex before and don't use sex toys very much, you probably still have your hymen intact. This is a membrane that will eventually be torn by inserting something. Sometimes this is a bit painful, sometimes it bleeds, sometimes you don't even notice. Once that is out of the way, you should be good to go.

Key word being "should". It is always possible that you have a condition such as vaginismus, which causes unusual pain. If so, there are types of physical therapy that can help or overcome it. Talk to your doctor if you are concerned. Tip: you may want to bring a man with you, even if it is your dad. Vagina stuff is often not taken seriously by doctors. It is dumb but I don't make the rules, just stating facts.but

I'm a guy, so I can't truly say first-hand. However...

I know that my current girlfriend (27F) has what I think would be considered " vaginismus ", which is a condition where she finds penetrative sex extremely difficult, due to some combination of fear and (at least anticipation of) pain. Basically she has a visceral panic/pain reaction to even the idea of having something inserted into her vagina, and that is followed pretty quickly with an emotional follow-up in which she wells up and feels abnormal and generally bad about herself.

To be honest I haven't had a ton of sexual partners, and this was not even something that I was aware existed before starting my relationship with her. She has even gone so far as to tell me that it's OK if I want to find someone else to have sex with if it's something that I need, but I don't feel good about that and I feel that she's only saying it because she is worrying about me having my needs met... She does masturbate and uses a vibrator to do it in a "shallow" way. She has considered herself asexual at times, which I fully respect, but I also think may be something of a coping mechanism, considering her problem goes beyond sex and into other parts of her relationship with her own body, for example visiting an gynecologist or even just putting a tampon in!

Personally, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this concept, and even though we've talked about it at length I'm not 100% sure whether this is a manifestation of physical pain, or psychological phobia, or both.

I want to be understanding to her and we're working through it together, but it is difficult for both of us to navigate on an emotional level. I should add that we're both kinky, and so we have other ways of enjoying "sex" with each other that are not penetrative vaginal sex, and that she is starting therapy for this condition. I really love and care about her, and I want to support her and give her the time and space she needs to figure this stuff out. I've done some reading into it, naturally, but as a guy it feels basically unknowable to me!

She's generally a functional adult but maybe somewhat autistic, and her feelings from this range from embarrassment and shame to pain and self-hatred... so she isn't always the best at putting her precise words to her feelings. I have asked her if she has had a history of sexual abuse or trauma, and she said "no". To be honest, she has had some strange ideas about men and sex in the past, referring to sex as "inherently violent" and likening the penis to a "stabbing" weapon. She has had a history of dabbling in lesbianism and is well-educated in various waves of feminism, and hasn't ever had a boyfriend before me. My understanding is that she has had this mental/physical block for her whole life, even to the point of getting extremely anxious and passing out in sex ed class, or something along those lines.

So, that's a long way of saying, "no, not all women enjoy sex", in my experience. 😔

I honestly wish I could say it was somehow my fault--like, I wish it was just because I am terrible at sex. 😂 Because that would make it so much simpler... My girlfriend is a sweet and loving person, and it really makes me sad to think that she has such a deeply painful and antagonistic relationship with her own body and sexuality. It really makes me sad to know that she can't even put a tampon in without having an intense emotional reaction.

I imagine that she's not alone in this either, and that there are women all over the world who share this experience, even though it's not something that's commonly talked about. I don't know if your experience is similar or not, but if it is, then please know that you've not alone!

Anyway, sorry for the long rambling comment, but I guess I've been looking for an outlet to talk about this stuff...

Your problem is defining "sex" as "being penetrated". I am a woman, and do not enjoy being penetrated, and still enjoy sex. I've only put menstrual cups and a speculum up there before but I found it painful and difficult, like trying to push the cup up against a brick wall. I know women who have this problem and want to receive penetrative sex do vaginal dilation, but I'm not interested in that, so I don't bother.

If you like the idea of being penetrated, you might want to try seeing a gynaecologist about vaginismus. But this isn't inherently a problem if you don't actually want to use your vagina during sex. You might prefer giving over receiving, or you might only want clitoral stimulation.

Gay people (including us lesbians) have the concept of being a top (wanting to give penetrative sex) or a bottom (wanting to receive penetrative sex). I think it would improve straight people's sex lives to have the same thing tbh. I think some straight women probably are tops and some straight men probably are bottoms even though they're interested in the opposite sex. If you like the idea of fucking a man with a strap-on over getting penetrated yourself, give it a go :) And if you just don't like the idea of sex at all, you're under no obligation to have it.

Endometriosis. PCOS. Look them both up and please, please, please go see a doctor.

Ex had endo, it's a fucking nightmare.

We heavily modified our sex lives to adjust to it, a lot more foreplay and a lot less penetration.

Also, if you’re being examined, they tell you to take deep breaths, as if they know that anything going up is going to be painful

Most people would need a mood to be set to enjoy sex or to be ready to receive something. Think this applies for women and for men who partake in anal sex.

By that I mean they need to get turned on to feel like having intercourse, because yeah, intercourse is strenuous and requires your body to be in a specific mode. For a penis inserter, getting turned on is a much simpler affair and can happen in a matter of about 1 second.

Lastly, women often scream during sex.

I don't know if they do to be honest. A lot of pornstars do, hahaha - they're paid to ham it up and overall they give an unrealistic view of how sex works. (Once upon a time the main watchers of porn would be people who hadn't had it yet. Possibly still the case)

Uhh despite my initial dismissal, i'll suggest this: some people might do it because sex can be akin to tickling, where your nervous system gives you mixed messages or gets overloaded. And, some women exist who grossly exaggerate their "noises" during sex, believing it makes it more fun or gives an ego boost to the husband. It probably can make it more fun for both parties, but the authentic noises - no matter how quiet they are compared to screams - are great as well.

Can't really speak for the experience of having a vagina but if it hurts so much that you don't ever feel like having sex, and haven't self stimulated in any way, talk to a doctor about it?

In my experience they do.

I have screamed uncontrollably from pleasure until I lost my voice. It was too much but my partner refused to stop because they knew exactly what they were doing and no safeword was said. I like pain, I like pleasure, I like sex. Sometimes it starts as pain and becomes pleasure, sometimes it's the other way around, sometimes it goes back and forth.

If you aren't having fun, you aren't having fun. Though, sometimes, vocalizing at all is a flood gate.