I’ve had it up to here with people saying JD Vance had sex with a couch. How many times do I have to say there’s no evidence JD Vance had sex with a couch before people stop saying JD Vance had sex with a couch? Liberals must be pretty desperate to make up that JD Vance had sex with a couch. The story that on March 17, 2011 JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after so thoroughly deflowering a KIVIK Sofa Chaise that it had to be removed as a biohazard due to the various fluids in and around it, causing the night manager to not only quit but need intensive therapy is beyond the pale. Who would believe this? There is sworn. court. testimony. that JD Vance has not made bare skin contact with a couch within the past 5 years. That’s a fact. Look it up. The idea that this is because JD Vance cannot contain his overwhelming sexual urges in the presence of soft furniture is reckless conjecture. Calling JD Vance a couchfucker is slander and you need to take it back.

The Left™ will do anything to avoid talking about the real issues in this campaign, like the fact that Kamala Harris laughs sometimes.

JD Vance is too much of a coward to release the couch sex tape

#releasethecouchtape

There's a lot to unpack in that statement:

“We don’t buy the hoaxes and believe the hype anymore,” he continued.

Yeah, Fox sells them, not buys them. Get your facts straight.

“Our eyes are wide open.

Uh-oh. That sounds pretty woke to me.

And if you’re gonna accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video.” He then brought on a guest to discuss whether Harris has a chance at winning the election in November without further explaining his request for the video.

Yes, because you want to see it....for totally normal reasons.

Hey guys, it’s time to mature up and admit that Vance probably did not have sex with a couch.

He made love to it. Also, the couch was totally asking for it.

You know, until recently I thought that the golden days of Internet activism were over and we were mostly living in times where it was ridiculously easy to get things censored on the Internet.

Then something as stupid as this gets this amount of attention because of Internet users having way too much time and energy to spread it. WTF

The AP was correct to pull the article. Nobody can definitively say "J.D. Vance did not have sex with a couch" just that "J.D. Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir, 'Hillbilly Elegy'."

Finally, a use case for AI that I can really get behind!

Kidding, please god no one deepfake that weirdo going to town on a totally innocent sofa. Fuckin nightmare fuel.

Tell them it's on Hunter's laptop and watch them implode!

Not to kink shame you, Jesse, but maybe keep what titillates you to yourself.

Anyway, by now there's bound to be porn with a Vance lookalike fucking a couch, so you'll get what you need for the most part.

We've finally found a job for AI.

That sure is a weird-ass thing to ask for.

What is it with conservative hosts demanding porn?

First there was Rush Limbaugh pretending not to know what birth control is and now this.

Probably plenty of other examples in the meantime, but that's the especially heinous one that immediately came to mind.

For research guys, it's for research.

No wonder JD wants to make porn illegal. I'm almost with him if it means me not getting Rickrolled with a gif of him fucking a loveseat

Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it? Bonus points if he refers to the couch as Flipper while borking it.

Would it help if I filmed myself fucking a couch and put a deep fake over it?

Purely for "research," right Fox?

JD Vance puts the "C" in LGBTQIA2SC.

Well if politics doesn't work out for JD there is always OnlyFans

Stark difference in the immediate memes that came out about Harris vs Vance. Coconut tree is quirky, couch is weird.

It's nice when the refuing-bullshit boot is on the other foot.

Hi!👋 me again, don’t forget to:

Print photos of different couches or dolphins and mail them to any or all of these locations:

https://www.vance.senate.gov/office-locations/

Don’t forget to add little love notes. e.g., “Thinking of you 💋”

And, remember kids, drink your Ovaltine!

"JD Vance's couch tape" to the tune of "Hunter Biden's laptop"