this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2024
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[–] MermaidsGarden@lemmy.world 256 points 2 years ago (4 children)

I’ve had it up to here with people saying JD Vance had sex with a couch. How many times do I have to say there’s no evidence JD Vance had sex with a couch before people stop saying JD Vance had sex with a couch? Liberals must be pretty desperate to make up that JD Vance had sex with a couch. The story that on March 17, 2011 JD Vance was banned from a Cleveland area IKEA after so thoroughly deflowering a KIVIK Sofa Chaise that it had to be removed as a biohazard due to the various fluids in and around it, causing the night manager to not only quit but need intensive therapy is beyond the pale. Who would believe this? There is sworn. court. testimony. that JD Vance has not made bare skin contact with a couch within the past 5 years. That’s a fact. Look it up. The idea that this is because JD Vance cannot contain his overwhelming sexual urges in the presence of soft furniture is reckless conjecture. Calling JD Vance a couchfucker is slander and you need to take it back.

The Left™ will do anything to avoid talking about the real issues in this campaign, like the fact that Kamala Harris laughs sometimes.

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[–] ianhclark510@lemmy.blahaj.zone 223 points 2 years ago (2 children)

JD Vance is too much of a coward to release the couch sex tape

#releasethecouchtape

[–] dogsnest@lemmy.world 103 points 2 years ago (1 children)
[–] thefartographer@lemm.ee 23 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Two males? Are they buttery?

[–] Nobody@lemmy.world 48 points 2 years ago (6 children)

Why are they not releasing the couch sex tape? What are they hiding? Was there a loveseat involved?

[–] ThePantser@lemmy.world 51 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Because the couch was underage.

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[–] ptz@dubvee.org 147 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (2 children)

There's a lot to unpack in that statement:

“We don’t buy the hoaxes and believe the hype anymore,” he continued.

Yeah, Fox sells them, not buys them. Get your facts straight.

“Our eyes are wide open.

Uh-oh. That sounds pretty woke to me.

And if you’re gonna accuse someone of having sex with a couch, you better have video.” He then brought on a guest to discuss whether Harris has a chance at winning the election in November without further explaining his request for the video.

Yes, because you want to see it....for totally normal reasons.

[–] charles@lemmy.world 67 points 2 years ago (13 children)
[–] IchNichtenLichten@lemmy.world 31 points 2 years ago

Sofa king weird.

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[–] ech@lemm.ee 20 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

"Absolutely revolting claim! And where's the proof? The video? I need to see that horrible, disgusting video before I believe these claims! Show me-I mean us the video!"

[–] zigmus64@lemmy.world 16 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

I mean… they can’t possibly miss the joke, can they? It fucking racks my brain, the density of these fuckwits sometimes. The whole reason this is still a thing is because they’re saying shit like, ‘If you accuse some of X, you’d better have proof.’

[–] Moobythegoldensock@lemm.ee 68 points 2 years ago (6 children)

Hey guys, it’s time to mature up and admit that Vance probably did not have sex with a couch.

He made love to it. Also, the couch was totally asking for it.

[–] Jimmyeatsausage@lemmy.world 27 points 2 years ago (1 children)

You know the couch was into it... When the couch doesn't want it, nature has ways of just shutting all that down.

[–] Moobythegoldensock@lemm.ee 22 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

I heard the couch was dressed like a total loveseat, and wasn’t even wearing a cover.

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[–] schnurrito@discuss.tchncs.de 67 points 2 years ago (7 children)

You know, until recently I thought that the golden days of Internet activism were over and we were mostly living in times where it was ridiculously easy to get things censored on the Internet.

Then something as stupid as this gets this amount of attention because of Internet users having way too much time and energy to spread it. WTF

[–] androogee@midwest.social 39 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (6 children)
[–] ours@lemmy.world 26 points 2 years ago

Spread it like JD Vance's couch cushions.

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[–] jordanlund@lemmy.world 53 points 2 years ago (3 children)

The AP was correct to pull the article. Nobody can definitively say "J.D. Vance did not have sex with a couch" just that "J.D. Vance did not write about having sex with a couch in his memoir, 'Hillbilly Elegy'."

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 25 points 2 years ago (8 children)

We don't even know he didn't write about it. All we can definitively say is that the story about J.D. Vance fucking a couch did not appear in the published edition of Hillbilly Elegy.

Did he fuck a couch? Did he write about fucking a couch? Only Vance can tell us for sure and he's probably too busy fucking a couch.

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[–] frickineh@lemmy.world 46 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Finally, a use case for AI that I can really get behind!

Kidding, please god no one deepfake that weirdo going to town on a totally innocent sofa. Fuckin nightmare fuel.

[–] ThePantser@lemmy.world 20 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Rule 34, it's already a thing.

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[–] formergijoe@lemmy.world 44 points 2 years ago
[–] TechAnon@lemm.ee 38 points 2 years ago

Tell them it's on Hunter's laptop and watch them implode!

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 35 points 2 years ago (3 children)

Not to kink shame you, Jesse, but maybe keep what titillates you to yourself.

Anyway, by now there's bound to be porn with a Vance lookalike fucking a couch, so you'll get what you need for the most part.

[–] Dramaking37@lemmy.world 20 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Did Jesse Walters have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches? I'm just asking questions here.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 19 points 2 years ago (3 children)

He never said he didn't have a fetish where he watches people fuck couches. Many people are saying he has a fetish where he watches people fuck couches.

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[–] ikidd@lemmy.world 35 points 2 years ago (5 children)

We've finally found a job for AI.

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[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 31 points 2 years ago (1 children)

That sure is a weird-ass thing to ask for.

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[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world 28 points 2 years ago (3 children)

What is it with conservative hosts demanding porn?

First there was Rush Limbaugh pretending not to know what birth control is and now this.

Probably plenty of other examples in the meantime, but that's the especially heinous one that immediately came to mind.

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 18 points 2 years ago

They want to see the couch's outfit for themselves, of course. Perhaps it was asking for it.

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[–] sarcasticsunrise@lemmy.world 26 points 2 years ago (1 children)

No wonder JD wants to make porn illegal. I'm almost with him if it means me not getting Rickrolled with a gif of him fucking a loveseat

[–] jeffw@lemmy.world 16 points 2 years ago (1 children)

“It’s not a loveseat, okay?! It’s a couch! I don’t fuck loveseats!” - Vance, probably?

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[–] ChihuahuaOfDoom@lemmy.world 26 points 2 years ago

For research guys, it's for research.

[–] collapse_already@lemmy.ml 23 points 2 years ago (5 children)

Anyone else hoping that a video surfaces just so we can make the conservatives watch it? Bonus points if he refers to the couch as Flipper while borking it.

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[–] drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world 23 points 2 years ago (5 children)

Would it help if I filmed myself fucking a couch and put a deep fake over it?

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[–] Coach@lemmy.world 22 points 2 years ago

Purely for "research," right Fox?

[–] Xtallll@lemmy.blahaj.zone 20 points 2 years ago

JD Vance puts the "C" in LGBTQIA2SC.

[–] VantaBrandon@lemmy.world 20 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Well if politics doesn't work out for JD there is always OnlyFans

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[–] OldWoodFrame@lemm.ee 19 points 2 years ago (4 children)

Stark difference in the immediate memes that came out about Harris vs Vance. Coconut tree is quirky, couch is weird.

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[–] GreatAlbatross@feddit.uk 18 points 2 years ago

It's nice when the refuing-bullshit boot is on the other foot.

[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 17 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Hi!👋 me again, don’t forget to:

Print photos of different couches or dolphins and mail them to any or all of these locations:

https://www.vance.senate.gov/office-locations/

Don’t forget to add little love notes. e.g., “Thinking of you 💋”

And, remember kids, drink your Ovaltine!

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[–] itsgroundhogdayagain@lemmy.ml 16 points 2 years ago

"JD Vance's couch tape" to the tune of "Hunter Biden's laptop"

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