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this post was submitted on 14 Mar 2024
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I stink now. Wasn't expecting it to happen so soon (bout two and a half months low dose) Have to change my boxers more often than I used to and shower more (the horror). I smell more sour.
T made me more emotionally stable. I'm way less depressed than I used to be despite not changing much about my life. I used to wake up and the default would be sad, now I wake up and feel neutral (not in a numb antidepressant way, just in a normal way) most days. Worked way better than any antidepressant I've been on. Wasn't expecting that to happen. I've heard people say they're happier on T. Feels like I'm on default mode nowadays. Never felt that way before.
Occasionally I'll have dreams of... anger? I'll be asleep dreaming and feel angry, then when I wake up I'll be normal again.
Also I've been getting more bloated after eating or drinking anything. Apparently T can increase water retention.
Starting Estrogen had the same effect on depression for me, I'm finally looking to actually get off them! Also, very unexpectedly, I've apparently started emoting more and putting more expression into my voice. I've always spoke with a monotone, so I was very surprised at the development.
Also yeah guys are sweaty and stinky lol
That's pretty interesting. I wish there were more studies comparing antidepressants to HRT in trans people. Interesting how your voice changed in its innotation too. I notice if I get gendered correctly then my voice is much more masculine than if i get misgendered by someone.
Somehow being sweaty and stinky gives me gender euphoria. When I was an egg I'd try to shower as little as possible both to avoid dealing with my body and because I thought it would make me more masculine and somehow turn me into a normal teenage boy going through puberty (what the hell was I thinking. i was like twelve or something). I definitely take regular showers now but getting sweaty and stinky more than I used to makes me think "yay, the testosterone's working"
It would be interesting, but also it definitely makes intuitive sense to me. I had an unidentifiable lifelong depression, seemingly stemming from a hatred for my body, "not fitting in" in social situations, and "feeling broken" generally. Pretty obvious what the cause was in retrospect 😅. Transitioning has resolved all of those, and I think intonation creeping in is another effect of finally feeling comfortable socially for the first time in my life.
Gender euphoria comes from funny places, I get it from boob sweat haha.
I think our two views on our emotional states changing is really interesting. I love that you're able to find comfort and peace in feeling more emotionally stable on T. To the point it has helped more than anti-depressants for you! I hope you view that as affirming :)
Before starting HRT, T made my emotions feel more disconnected from me. Like I couldn't quite fully "feel" them and that was distressing. Now with E, I can much more easily connect with my emotions and it has helped me feel more alive.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I find it beautiful and wholesome that something that was dysphoric for me is actually something that seems affirming for you! ❤️
Estrogen and all those hormones really fucked with my head. I have PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder). The week before menstruation, I would get heavily depressed and suicidal every month, just like clockwork. PMS rage is also horrible to deal with. I used to get super angry and break down over something small like breaking a glass or tearing a garbage bag when it was that time of the month. Made me feel so ashamed and angry at myself because I knew it was hormonal and I had no control over it. Now don't have that issue.
I didn't feel connected with my emotions, just wildly out of control of them. I didn't notice "hey, i'm feeling anxious and angry today. Better chill out and take a warm shower." It was just "AGAHAGGQHHG IM IN PAIN" Now when I feel sad or anxious or whatever I can recognize what I'm feeling because it's not a huge tidal wave of intense, uncontrollable emotions anymore.
I'm a strong believer in the biochemical dysphoria theory. Some brains are just wired for a certain sex hormone profile. It's really interesting how both of us had similar results from each hormone, but they affected mental and emotional health in opposite ways.
The biochemical dysphoria descriptions where by far my biggest incentive in pursuing HRT. Especially the dissociative and depersonalization aspect of it. It described my entire life after puberty To. The. Letter.
And 5 months in I feel this fog lifting over my eyes and the world makes more sense to me now. I actually am having moments where my sense of self and body are at least occupying the same space. It's been a really surreal experience.
Glad to hear that you no longer feeling the effects of PMDD or the PMS rage. That honestly sounds terrible and glad you were able to find a way out of it!:)