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those of you with elderly parents 800 miles away, how do you take care of them? (linux.community)

submitted 6 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) by vestmoria@linux.community to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

34 comments fedilink hide all child comments

my parents live alone 800 miles away from me and are capable of living independently.

There might be a day they're not safe at home anymore and need to be taken care of.

I'm not a caregiver and while my father is flexible and can adapt, my mother is very strict with what she considers right and it's usually her way or the highway, reason why I would never live with her, let her live with me or take care of her alone. It would never work. My parents have a decent pension, no debt, and mostly love each other.

If it ever comes to me taking care of the administrative side of things 800 miles away, what does it look like? If you are in a situation like I described, how often do you visit?

Do you take care of them physically as well? I mean giving them showers, cleaning them, cleaning the house, feeding them, organizing their medicines, dressing them, answering 30 times per day the same question or old story because they forgot, because realistically I can do this up to 2 weeks per year, never on a permanent basis. I'm not a patient man.

I also want to live my life but where I grew up, small town in GA, the expectation seems to be I move in with my parents to physically take care of them, otherwise I'm not a good son.

ETA: thank you all for contributing

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[–] chillpanzee@lemmy.ml 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I'm just a person who's been through it. I had a sibling that insisted on every medical intervention possible, hoping for a miracle. My mom's last 6 months and eventual death were one of the worst things I've ever had to watch. A significant number of healthcare workers, from doctors treating her, to hospice nurses recommended "letting nature take it's course" when an infection would happen. At the time, my sibling thought they were heartless, uncaring people to even say such a thing. But after she watched mom's absolutely fucking miserable death, she changed her mind.

Sometimes letting dying people die is more humane than keeping them alive and miserable.

[–] Nangijala@feddit.dk 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I'm sorry you and your mom went through all of that, but there is a pretty big difference between hospice care and wanting to help your elderly parents with daily chores and hygiene because they have gotten a frail.

There are many elderly people who get a home carer to help them with hygiene and daily chores who aren't on death's door yet and to just abandon them to a slow death in filth and loneliness is pure evil. After your explanation, I'm relieved that you probably don't think we should just abandon all elderly people who need help. Sounds like you were just speaking from a traumatizing experience and I can't imagine what that was like for you. But an elderly person who needs help with daily chores is not the same as a hospice patient who is kept alive to the point where it is no longer humane. Because that part I fully agree with you on!

[–] chillpanzee@lemmy.ml 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I literally wrote "If it gets to the point where they can’t manage their own eating and hygiene" You read it with your own baggage here.

[–] Nangijala@feddit.dk 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I disagree. Someone who struggles with their own hygiene and eating isn't necessarily so bad they need hospice care. Because if that is the bar, then every quadriplegic person in the world also deserves to die. That is why I reacted so strongly. You cannot say that someone should be abandoned to die if they can't take care of their own hygiene and struggle with eating. If we are talking about someone who is borderline comatose and/or in constant pain, whose body is trying actively give up, yet is constantly bring brought back to life, then it is a problem. But an elderly person who develops a handicap due to aging and therefore needs support, shouldn't be abandoned to die if they are otherwise doing well.

[–] chillpanzee@lemmy.ml 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Fuck sakes. We're talking about otherwise able people going through a significant age related decline who can no longer manage to eat and clean themselves. Show me the part where OP said their parents were quadriplegic.

[–] Nangijala@feddit.dk 1 points 3 days ago (1 children)

You're entirely ignoring my point. Old people who have problems with taking care of themselves are not necessarily at a point where they need to die.

I compared it to quadriplegic people because not bring able to take care of yourself isn't a sign that you need to die. If an old person cannot take care of themselves but is otherwise okay, they still deserve care and dignity. If they get to a point where they are dying, then sure, let's not resuscitate them, but to just leave an old person to wither in their own filth is barbaric.

[–] chillpanzee@lemmy.ml 1 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I'm not ignoring your point, it's just argumentative bullshit. Babies can't feed and clean themselves, and it's pretty obvious I'm not saying to neglect babies and let them die. You seem to have difficulty with nuance.

[–] Nangijala@feddit.dk 1 points 3 days ago

I don't know man, I think I have been pretty clear all the way through, but we can agree to disagree.