Dull Men's Club

My wife and I have four kids. I’m speaking with a thousand yard stare here.

First of all, having kids is BY FAR the best thing that ever happened to me.

But it didn’t feel that way in the beginning.

I won’t use “you”, but “I”. I can’t guarantee that my experience will be mirrored by you. But I can say that the fathers I know well enough to have open conversations with on this topic broadly agree with this.

It’s great you’re asking these questions. You’ll no doubt get lots of good answers. So I won’t pile on.

But I wish to tell you something I completely didn’t understand.

The first year of the first kid is HARD. It’s hard for mummy; even harder if she’s breastfeeding.

But it will be super hard for you too. Because everyone will just expect you to be “supportive daddy” and buck up. Meanwhile you’ll be going through your own journey. Your journey isn’t visible. Your stomach isn’t contracting. Your weight isn’t shifting (well, only by reaching for easy meal options at least) and (if mummy is breastfeeding) you’re not the one with sore nipples or mastitis.

There were times when I quietly, in the dark, trying to lull baby to sleep, asked myself “what have I done?” … “is this my life now?!”

I felt I completely disappeared. My end credits had rolled. I was a supporting actor in somebody else’s film.

And the crucial experience I missed was this: It doesn’t last long.

But man it felt endless. I felt utterly worn out and with no “tour of duty” end date ahead.

It’s over before it even begins. Each day today is the hardest day you’ll do on this. Tomorrow will be easier. Next week easier than that. In a month even easier.

And gradually, slowly, I returned. “I” became an entity again. I had time do something for me.

What I wished someone had told me was this very thing: It won’t be long. It’s hard but it’ll be much easier soon.

Enjoy it! Kids are just the very best thing you’ll ever do. (But only after a while).

Two beds in separate rooms. No sense in both of you losing sleep. One of you needs to sleep well each night. Decide and conquer. Take shifts if you need to.

Meal prep meal prep meal prep. Have a month's with of means ready to go before the baby gets here

Don't try to leave your house in complete silence to avoid waking the baby. Make normal noise and train the baby to be able to sleep through that.

Also, never give in to a tantrum (note that this one you're a few years away from, since I'm not talking about baby crying). Even if you realize partway through that you're wrong. Talk it out after they've calmed down. You can even tell them that you realized you were wrong but that you'll never give in to a tantrum like that because that's not how you handle not liking something. Once they learn tantrums are only a path to defeat, they'll adjust their methods.

Learn lower back massage. Helps a lot with sciatica during pregnancy and monthly period. If you can follow the nerve down the leg she will love you forever.

Sleep as much as you can now because after the baby arrives you won't get to choose when and how long to sleep.

Start saving for daycare (assuming you'll use it) now. It is surprisingly expensive.

Best advice I can think of: learn to breathe.

Theres a lot of joy in having a baby but also a lot of stress on reduced sleep. Learning to acknowledge when you’re getting frustrated and take a minute will make everything so very much easier.

Also buy a diaper genie.

You won't smell of milk all the time, so it is easier for you to put the baby to sleep. Try memorizing like 10 songs that you like and will be able to sing over and over again. The baby will figure out, that it is time to sleep when you sing these.

Learn how to exercise/strach baby. You don't want to do this with a newborn. But there won't be a lot of time after birth to look this up. Be gentile. It's good for the baby and makes them fart and shit, easing stomach pain.

Look up baby first aid videos just in case. It is very different than adult first aid.

Your partner went through all of the gestation and labor herself; the least you can do is be the person who changes the diapers.

Men don't always immediately bond with their newborn progeny. It's ok, don't feel guilty if you're not head-over-heels in love with your baby for the first year or two.

If you're ever feeling frustrated caring for your newborn, take a break. They will be fine if you leave them crying in their crib so that you can take a walk or do whatever you need to decompress and compose yourself.

Most pacifiers have bottle nipple mates. If your baby prefers one specific bottle or pacifier, buy the mate.

Most importantly, sleep deprivation and stress can cause significant mental health issues, specifically anxiety and depression. Your feelings are valid. If you're having a hard time, ask for help.

Musical instruments, not toys that play random sounds, but actual music. My brother love them and my mother is a music teacher for children (and she's usually the favourite teacher). And you don't have to buy many, you can test with one and then buy more if you think they'd like it

Check out Happiest Baby on the block.

Talk about feeding plans in advance. I talked my wife into pumping and saving up some breast milk in the freezer. That way I could feed the baby when she didn't feel up to it. Not a big deal if you're doing formula.

Don't be afraid to take the baby for some dad time. Mom may or may not be good at expressing when she needs a break. Our middle child would cry whenever mom wasn't holding her, making it hard for Mom to get any rest. But, I figured out she liked low, constant sounds. I would take her out in the garage, turn on my big shop fan, and just walk around while holding her. She would finally doze off after a bit.

One of the most important things I learned was that it's ok to not know how to feel at first. Women have hormones that help them bond with a newborn. That's what keeps them from chucking the baby they just evicted from their body out the window or leaving it for the wolves.

Men don't have that advantage. My wife was getting all excited about being pregnant and I'm just like, "Oh. Cool. I'm gonna be a father. Great. I guess." I didn't really feel anything except maybe a little fear of the unknown. I knew our life was going to different but I wasn't sure exactly how. Then this little person arrives and they are simultaneously adorable and the worst houseguest you can possibly imagine. They can't talk so they just cry and whatever they want, they want it now.

I honestly felt miserable. That changed one day when my daughter was a couple months old. I was carrying her to her crib for a nap when she nuzzled her little head into my shoulder and went right to sleep. I realized right then that my little girl knew who was holding her and she felt safe. That was a very special moment for me. One I hope I always remember. Right from that moment I was hooked.

Your experience may be different. Just know that if it doesn't feel all warm and fuzzy at first, that's ok.

Edit: Congratulations BTW!

Sleep when you can, because you do not know when the next sleep will be.

After the baby comes, when it wakes at night Fetch it so the wife can stay comfortably in bed to feed (assuming she can get comfortable in bed to feed).

Hear me out:

Motion-sensing nightlights.

You’ll both thank me when you get up in the middle of the night to get to the baby or something for the baby. Turning on lights is just going to wake everyone up and make you cranky.

If your wife isn't breastfeeding get several different brands of bottles. Your kid may have trouble with one kind but no others.
Get a 5Kg sack of potatoes or rice and practice holding it like a baby for at least 10-15 min several times a day. Get those baby holding muscles building now, just remember you want endurance not actual strength.
A white noise generator is good for when they are fussy and can calm them down.

Congratulations! It's an exciting time and they are such marvellous little creatures. Here are some random thoughts that may be useful

Pregnancy

• Everyone's pregnancy is different, so listen to your wife above all, but here are some things we dealt with that are not terribly uncommon:
  • First trimester: nausea, tastes in food changing, scents being particularly offensive. Which tastes and scents worked and which were offensive changing on a daily basis. Have a "clean room" and some kind of array of candles or air fresheners to rotate through, when the dinner that sounded great in the morning is suddenly stomach turning as it is being prepped
  • Second trimester: the easiest in some respects, but here is when the mental load, in the form of anxiety, stress, and depression really started to set in. Be prepared to shoulder as much of the emotional burden as you can carry. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your family
  • Third trimester: The peak of the physical discomfort. Moving is hard. Breathing is hard. Every day feels like running a marathon. Minimise the amount of moving your wife has to do

Delivery

• Most hospitals / maternity wards offer tours. If you are planning a hospital birth, going in the week before to see the place helped reduce a lot of the anxiety when the time finally came. They can't be scheduled far in advance because it depends on how busy they are, so keep checking

• Familiarise yourself with the physical details of the birth process. We read through "The Birth Partner" (Simkin and Cheney) together in the preceding months. There is one chapter where they subtly endorse some pseudoscience, but if you can skip over that when you run into it, we found it very informative and helpful about what to expect.

• The event itself is exciting, but overwhelming. Again, your wife will be entirely consumed by managing the physical demands. You can help by taking care of the logistical and emotional demands. Advocate for her. The staff are on the same team as you, but you are the only one with the brain space to ensure that the decisions your wife wants for the birth are being kept in mind.

Newborn

• The first 2-3 weeks are the hardest. You're adjusting, and the baby is adjusting, and all three of you will have to figure out how to make it work. I hope you are in a place where you can all take time off work. We were lucky in that we were able to breastfeed without too many issues, but regardless if it works the same for you or not, those early days must be a team effort. My wife fed, I did the diapers, and we all woke up together.

• Early on, we ran into some pretty difficult nights where the baby just would not sleep. It turned out she was not getting enough breast milk. Once we started adding some formula, she went right back to sleep. We did this until my wife's supply increased, which is a fairly common pattern.

• I don't know why I didn't expect this, but newborns generally dislike the experience of getting their diapers changed. It will be a fight for a little while. I say this because, if they ever stop crying while you are in the middle of one, duck and cover. That means they are about ready for part two. And it can come with some force. Those little changing mats do not cover nearly enough. We had to put down an extra layer of paper towels along the whole "trajectory". (This does calm down eventually)

• Babies are demanding. It is rewarding, but there will be exhausting days. Early on, my wife and I devised a system where we each get one day a week that we have "off" from the baby, barring emergencies. I can't overstate how much of a difference having that one "recharge" day makes in managing the stress, it has been extremely helpful.

Things we got that have been worth their weight in gold:

• Convertible car seat / stroller--we are using the Doona brand and it has been incredible
• Big pack of burp cloths. These need to be within arm's reach in every room in the house
• Dedicated diaper changing station with diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, and a burp cloth in drawers within arm's reach
• Bassinet that can swing over the bed for easy feeding
• A velcro swaddle. Most are too big for newborns, but as soon as they can fit in, it is way easier than trying to do the origami with the blanket. Babies always beat origami

Things we got that really weren't as important as we thought they were going to be

• Two diaper bags, one would have been more than sufficient
• A diaper caddy for around the house. As opposed to spit-ups, diapers generally are leisurely enough for you to make your way to your diaper changing station, so it was not incredibly helpful to have extras within arm's reach
• Postpartum cart with snacks and supplies for my wife. Nice idea, just didn't end up using it much

I know that looks like a lot, but it's really not bad, because most of it is extra, conveniences and nice-to-have things. As long as you have food, diapers, and a safe place for the baby to sleep, all of that other stuff can be figured out on the go, and you will figure it out as you find what works for you. And the love and joy that come with the baby are indescribable. The rewards are there, and they eclipse the challenges.

You can do this, and it will be wonderful!

Amazing advice here! Getting a yoga ball was a life saver for our baby so I highly recommend having one handy if yours is hard to settle. Before baby comes try to talk about your routine and expectations. If your partner used to be the primary cook she won't be able to for a while. Figuring things out now will be easier in the long run.

Fisher price glow and grow was a great early purchase for when he was doing tummy time and other exercises. He still uses it at 15 months!

Others have talked about getting earplugs and they're right. Even if you're not sensitive to sounds now you will be when you have only slept 5 hours in two days. Earplugs or go with headphones/earbuds so you can listen to music.

Sleep will be crucial for survival. Taking shifts helps some folks but try to see what works for you. If your partner is breastfeeding it will be very hard for her to sleep at times. Especially if baby decides to cluster feed.

Remember to take a deep breath sometimes and depending on what your relationship looks like make sure to spend quality time whenever you can with your partner. Even if it's a long hug or just crying out your frustration.

Best of luck!

Not for immediate use but front/backpack carriers. Make sure they’re cleared to do it and front carrier for the youngest.

This helped both my sanity and my wife’s the most - throw them in the front/backpack and take them for a walk. Get you out of the house, get your wife a break, get the kid some air and some daddy bonding time. Depending on kid, the walk can also calm them

And don’t be afraid to sing. Even in front of people. Make up new lyrics to your favorite song. Mine was “Godzilla”: I refined the lyrics as we walked around the neighborhood and now that my first is in college that’s one of my fondest memories

1. don't be afraid to sing to your baby, they love it
2. read to your kid every night as part of the routine
3. it's ok to leave your baby safely in a crib while you take a break for 5 minutes. Go where the crying volume doesn't drive you mad.

Wow, tough one. It's your first kid?

I wish I had known how deeply it would change me. And the strength it would give me. I would have feared less, I would have trusted myself from the beginning, and I would have welcomed the change as soon as it started in me.

I am going to give all advice then look at the comments to see if there is anything more to say (jog my memory).

Remember that if a baby is crying and you are at your wits end, you can

• put them in a safe spot and breathe away from them e.g. put the infant in a car seat in an air conditioned space e.g. your house or a crib and walk far enough away that you can't hear them for 10 mins.

Also you can get concert reusable ear plugs. You can hear conversation and crying through them, but it takes the Edge off. Totally worth it.

If your baby has the tongue attached to the bottom of the mouth with skin, insurance won't cover if a doctor deems it to not affect speech development, BUT that baby will not be able to such from a breast unless it is cut.

Having a universal bottle steamer is great. Good for steaming frozen breast milk for babies and steaming milk for coffee.

Never leave an infant around a dog. Dog instincts sometimes are to kill offspring that is not their own, or to pick up infants by the scruff of the neck like puppies. Not even once.

If future momma is having trouble walking up stairs, you can always crawl on your hands and knees while she sits on your shoulders. She will likely laugh the whole way.

Natural births (no morphine and no oxytocin and no interventions e.g. c sections) increase if you know how to work through pain. The kind of labor pain and contractions is similar to that of an orgasm. She has to be allowed to not be "up in her head" and instead in the moment. I got a doula to be there during labor and certain instincts of mine were distracting and pulling my wife into a mindset that was halting the oxytocin production iland increasing the pain.

Have the future momma take the multivitamin every day and retake it if it is thrown up. If there are any preexisting conditions in momma then the pregnancy is much likelier to be with good outcomes.

Remember the 5 s's , shushing, bouncing, stomach pressure, swaying, swaddling. These 5 are the goto for soothing a baby.

Get a medicine ball that fits future momma. When she gets closer to giving birth, it is really easy to sit and "walk" by bouncing while watching a show. Also after baby is born, it is really easy to put baby in a sling/wrap/carrier and bounce the baby to sleep while playing videogames.

Certain babies and mothers sleep better when in bed together. There is recent conflicting information regarding whether this increases or decreases infant death. It's worth looking into to see recent developments.

When you are full of adrenaline and baby was just born, make a journal entry. It all gets hazy as the adrenaline goes down.

Good luck!

We used an app called Huckleberry to track sleep. Our son would nap every couple hours consistently, but as you get closer to 3 naps a day it helps to see how long they've been awake/asleep to keep the routine easy.

Good luck mate. It's all worth it when you get that first on purpose smile. :)

Buy an exercise ball and a foam roller.

Buy all the shit now. You won’t have the mental capacity to make purchasing decisions that well after you’re a parent. Buy and store the crib now. Stroller.

Get one of those log books and diligently record the feedings, diaper changes, medicines, etc. it’s invaluable to refer to for doctor and midwife follow-ups. You’ll know when you don’t need to record that level of detail anymore and can stop.

Read a few parenting books. Take them with a grain of salt. “Expert parents” have had a few genetically similar children. “Experts” have studied, at arm’s length, a bunch of children that weren’t theirs. Their opinions and experiences do NOT necessarily apply to your child. It’s a starting point and nothing more, despite the absurd promises the make in their introductions.

A routine is super important. Stick to one, especially for sleep. If baby sleeps, YOU SLEEP. An irregular sleep cycle seeps into your whole life quickly.

Your job is to safely raise your child to adulthood and hopefully not turn out to be an asshole. The romantic notion of “shaping” a child to be a better version of you is a fantasy. Resist those feelings and act and speak based on what you think your child needs for their development/understanding RIGHT NOW.

Set up boundaries with family early. Stick to them. That includes enforcing how they speak to your child. I don’t care if that’s how grandma was raised, telling a 1 year old their hand will get chopped off if they touch an electrical outlet is not helpful.

The child’s nap schedule is probably more important than any social obligation. If going to a lunch means your kid misses their nap and is a screaming, miserable monster for the rest of your day, then that lunch is OPTIONAL. Don’t go if it’s going to ripple through the rest of your day.

Child proof things in your home in increments. The kid won’t be walking for the first year - focus on padding for under 2’. Reassess when they’re walking and growing for new dangers. You won’t be able to do it all at once.

If you don’t have a ton of space, make it clear to friends and family that you don’t want any big gifts. If we get one more fucking stuffed animal…

Babies nap best in total dark. Make sure their sleeping area is as close to pitch black as you can get it. (This varies with the child, but I read it in a parenting book and it was absolutely true for us)

You will have far less money and mental capacity once you’re a parent - front load everything you can now!

First off, not every baby is the same. They all are genetically unique and a blend of the parents. Behavior at a birth is 99.9% genetic instincts and runs in families. Hormonal changes often make a new mothers memories fuzzy for a few months after birth. If your dad was not active in the your early life, the family history is often lost. So take any advice on infant behavior as recommendation that may or may not be true. For example both of my boys hated being swaddled from day one. They wanted to move and stretch.

Babies often start out giving micro-expressions and sounds before they start hollering. These are subtle little clues that if you can figure them out are a lifesaver. If you don't figure them out in a few weeks, they learn to go directly to hollering at top volume because mommy and daddy are dumb and a poor baby has to survive. The amount of times my wife and I got amazed looks "How did you know that's what they needed?" was an ongoing joke with us.

As a Dad, hold the baby all the time you can. This is especially true for the first year. If you tip back in a recliner, you can use a gaming controller while holding the kid as they sleep. As they get older they get a little grabby and you'll be stuck watching movies etc for a few years. Aka why I went straight from a PS2 to PS4. You'll be exhausting yourself playing with them all the time anyways.

Get a “Nose Frieda.” Or something like that; my kids are in upper elementary, I don’t remember what it’s called. It looks horrific but when your kid is congested, it is a lifesaver. I think the same company makes something for gas, and I used a crazy amount of them on my second kid before figuring out that she was allergic to dairy at about 3 months.

I'll keep it short: 3 things

• Everything is normal, don't freak out take a breath and be logical. Otherwise you'll just work yourself up and the kid can tell and match. Not a great place to be in.
• Read to them, sing with them, point and explain, freely offer info. If you treat them like they're a bit older and can absorb things, it's actually surprising how much will rub off.
• MOST importantly, Take care of yourself. Seriously, It's the whole "put the mask on yourself before helping others" idea. If you're tired, frazzled, and health is declining, you can't provide the support and clear, frustration free thinking you need as a parent.

Get a doula. They are like a birth helper. They have so much practice with birth stuff than you do.

Take off your ring during labor.

There's a lot of great advice here, but the most important piece of I ever got as an expecting parent was "Your baby isn't my baby" Keep in mind that most pieces of advise you get are probably helpful but they might not apply to you and partner and your new kid.

But for me the second best was to see if your wife can express some bottles of milk so that you can do some feedings. Breast milk is great but it doesn't need to be fresh from the tap. If you've got a few bottles in the fridge you can take over a feed and let her sleep. It's also great for you bonding with you kid.

Newborns love pubs. Or anywhere with that kind of hubub really.

Meal prep and have easy to heat up meals ready to go for the first two weeks. Cooking becomes harder than you would ever believe once kiddo arrives.

Get baby bottles with limited feed nipples and at least two varieties of formula ready. Milk doesn't always come in on time or in the quantities that baby needs. Babies can also have digestive issues or taste preferences so having a backup option is clutch.

Get something that will let you wear the baby hands free. Some babies will wake like clockwork within minutes of being put down and sometimes the only way you can get something done is with the baby on your chest.

Something I didn't know about was that young babies under 3 months go a little crazy with their limbs when they sleep and need to be swaddled so they don't flail around. They're used to being in a confined space so being wrapped up in a baby blanket is very comforting. Make sure you have at least 3 to rotate out when they get dirty. They come in a few varieties so see which might work for you.

Babies can come early, like three weeks early, so get everything ready like diapers and wipes well before the due date. Assume you have less time than you think so you're not caught off guard.

Talk to family or friends and find out who would be able to help with chores, food or watching the baby periodically for the first few months

There's a ton of second hand, barely used or basically brand new baby stuff out there in basically any population center. Definitely check out second hand stuff for anything that you are thinking of spending more than pocket change on

Sleep is precious, enjoy it while you can

-Baby might not really bond with dad until it's like 2 that's ok. A lot of that time dad is just moms replacement. But baby will get a good bond with dad if they spend time together.

• Make sure dad has space and ability to figure out how to take care of baby. Not just copy what mom does but figure out how they can do things. Helps dad to feel like it's his baby and he can be good at things too.
• Staggering baby leave - like 2 weeks initially then more leave months later when mom goes to work - can be helpful with that too.