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Wow, same here. I drank a lot during the early years of covid because I could act different and blame it on that. Also just felt nice to think less about something so all-consuming. Never really drank much before that because my family has a ton of substance problems. I read through some of your other posts and I'm so sorry that you aren't in a place where transitioning feels easier. I got lucky with my relationship, although there's still been issues that have come up because of transitioning. But a big part of hiding it for so long was the fear that I would lose someone that I care a lot about :/.

I eventually decided that I had to pursue it regardless because once the egg is fully cracked, you can't just put it back together. Also, I figured that if my partner wasn't OK with me being me, then it wasn't going to work anyways. Really scary to confront, but necessary.

None of this has been easy but it's absolutely been worth it and I haven't regretted a second. I really hope you can find your peace in this situation however that manifests for you but just know that you aren't alone in your experience or your feelings

Congrats! My day 1 will also be in December if all goes well!

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It doesn't surprise me that intimacy is scary for you given your history and trauma. I imagine that idea of a consistent hookup was still too much intimacy for you at the time which is why you like protected yourself at a subconscious level by giving the wrong number. Maybe you would've got on with foot fetish man or maybe not, but I wouldn’t beat yourself up over the choice. There will be other men, even other foot fetish men. They've gloryhole situation also sounds like a way to engage in that sexual drive but without intimacy.

You probably do have a lot to deal with before having sex or at least before having sex feels good for you as well (a very important underrated aspect of sex is that you should also be feeling good doing it). It tracks that you feel shame of your body, thats just dysphoria - I dont think you should feel it and hopefully that can change but it makes sense to me. Maybe one day you can have a slower paced thing with a man (or whatever) where you can feel safe and intimate and beautiful and have that drive satisfied. Working through your hangups with sex and intimacy without that still makes sense, and if you can find a trauma informed sex positive LGBT or ally therapist (and can afford one) Im sure that would be really great too.

Guy who draws women with tiny heads:

This was me for literally 2 decades. I fought with my partner about trans rights so many times. If I'd had just one trans friend I could have figured things out so much sooner

Also shout-out to those that do this who are actually cis, I'll still be waiting with your hormones of choice and other gender affirming care because everyone deserves to express and live their gender the way they feel fit.

voice gendering

Not sure how much time they spend listening to trans fems talking, but I know I automatically gender typical early-voice-training transfem voices as women. Like one time I was listening to a streamer being surprised when they were correctly gendered over the phone and I was confused why they'd be surprised. They just sound like a woman to me. So I asked my cishet cousin for his opinion and (after I insisted I just wanted his honest opinion and there was no right or wrong answer as long as it was his sincere opinion cause he was clearly hesitant to answer), he said he'd have gendered her as male if judging just by voice. I still think streamer has a more negative opinion of her voice than what reality justifies: we are often our worst critics.

So, no clue if they are just in an unusual group who've have expanded how they gender based on voice compared to the average population, if they're just being nice/afraid of offending, or if you just sound like a woman to average people. Nor could I give any sorta of realistic judgement. Either way, every person sounds like themself, so if someone is a woman then they automatically sound like a woman, so it ain't a lie.

I can't say without actually hearing your voice, but there are a number of different factors that go into gendering a voice. They could be picking up on something real.

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It's possible you have a naturally bright resonance, or you have a varied intonation (rising and falling of pitch while talking, as opposed to monotone), or you could have strong articulation and a soft or small voice, or a combination of the above. There's a lot of things that go into a voice beyond pitch, and a high pitch isn't necessarily required to read as feminine.

In my universe we will have an Earthsea renaissance. No Harry Potter for the younglings. Sparrowhawk will show them the way.

I felt this way listening to left hand of darkness. She's so talented!

she is one of the all-time greats for sure

The earthsea series as a whole is insanely good. The growth of recurring characters over the books, as Le Guin herself went through decades of her life and was able to approach femininity and masculinity through a different lens later, is really special as well.

I would love to have your thoughts on each book, and on the series! I can never have enough thoughts about Earthsea.

Also, is muscle loss that bad? I don't need to be strong, but I need to not be weak

Otherwise, good news. I found out that the health and sanitary administration of my country is very based and cool. Opposite to the medical regulation thingy, which is transphobic, reactionary and deeply unserious

how about if it's...hard?