I uhh don't think I want to do it, which I didn't expect. My bottom dysphoria has not been too present lately, and since the definition of "woman" in my mind has been broadened outside of cis standards, I just kinda feel like... I dont need to.

tbh the thoughts have been looping so much I'm not sure where the "start" is. I guess I'm dreading/scared/know the next few years are going to be really bad. And that's minimum, I honestly don't have any reason to think in a few years they'll be better. I'm going to have to come out in that time. My dad is neck deep in evangelical shit and I have a few much younger siblings that make things harder as well. I have no prospects for getting a real job that would let me be independent and have no idea how to get that. Obviously the economy is going to shit so how's that going to work out for me. I don't have any qualifications but graduating high school. And obviously hrt is going to make boymoding forever not really work, which is a problem both for finding work and at home.

Can't voice train. Hurts too much, I sound too cringy, I literally cant. Between that and my frame I'm obviously never going to pass or be remotely happy with sounding like this. Just thinking about it makes me want to- eh. Not worth CWing but I'm sure you can imagine. I hate it and my voice changing unironically ruined my life. I can't. Disgusting and ruined. Probably forever. Going to die mad.

I can't deal with any of this, I can't deal with real life. Everyone thinks I'm able to build a life I'm happy with but I can't. All I want is to just disassociate forever. The government should just give me money so I can just rot somewhere and never be seen or heard from again. I hate life, I hate being perceived, I hate talking, I hate having to do shit, I hate society and I certainly hate the idea of being trans in this society.

Anyway idk what I'm going to do about all this, probably just drag things out as long as I can stand. I have no faith in my ability to actually make it through the transition (assuming that there's even an "end").

Surely that has to happen eventually, right? Right? Right???

I feel like if I look in the mirror after all this time and don’t see a cis woman it’s jover, not that I can be sure my brain would even acknowledge I pass if I did with my potential BDD.

There is a really cynical part of me that thinks estrogen isn’t “magic” and all the baby trans will eventually be bitter and disappointed like me when that reality hits.
But I’m hoping I am just mentally ill and delusional.

Hopefully tomorrow I can disassocite again and forget about how much I hate this and how horrible everything is and how I'll never be happy and how I'm ruined. But I'm actually pretty cooked on not being able to sleep.