Also I found out that dude hollering at other dudes does that for a living, saw him trying to drum up business outside a local store. I just never expected that level of solicitation in this rural area since out here they still do the foot work bathroom sex code deal, and these aren't old dudes these are like college aged.

Anyway, that was just dysphoria being trigger hair, good to know, sort of foreshadowed the grade it's at now. It really doesn't help I'm off that med now and my monthly is like pre-T grade PCOS heavy where nothing stops the flow and I'm afraid to use cups after I got it stuck in sideways and I couldn't break the seal for what seemed like forever. I'll feel a lot better once its over I hope.

I'm not sure I'd call it internalized transphobia, I'd more say it's my subjective experience of being trans, but you are definitely right about the reverse double standard. I don't really care about other people, but I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. Seeing it like that, the quote from your comment definitely seems like a horrible way to view myself😅, but idk I have a hard time letting myself be happy.

My goal is basically to assimilate in cis society. The one thing I truly want is a bog-standard heterosexual monogamous relationship with a husband and to have 3-4 kids. I don't really feel a need to engage in LGBT+ communities IRL, and I wouldn't be able to befriend anyone there as it would hinder my goal of being stealth. But as you say, I've definitely seen a lot of trans people online who share my self-conceptions, but I don't want to talk about it as I'll usually just feel worse about myself afterwards😅

I think I just need to log off and stop doomscrolling. Luckily the new semester has begun so I can go back to being a workaholic😍 And thank you for the consideration❤️